Feb 21 Update

Yesterday Bob and I spent 8 hours at the hospital / clinic.  Started at 730 am with a bone marrow biopsy, then met with the insurance specialist to tell us that we’d have to pay approximately $8,000 out of pocket for this transplant (and that’s WITH insurance), then to the hospital for more insurance talk, then a chest x-ray, CT scan, EKG, echocardiogram, pulmonary function test…had a quick lunch at the hospital cafeteria then back to the clinic to meet with the transplant coordinator to discuss our schedule for the next month – we start transplant March 2nd, and then finally met with the psychologist.  (good news – we’re not crazy!)

Stopped at Menchies frozen yogurt on the way home and got ‘dinner’ – thanks Kimmie.  Home by 5:30…in bed by 5:40.  Exhausted.

This morning mom had her bone marrow biopsy – waiting for results to tell us whether or not she stays with the same chemo regime or changes to something different.  She’s sore, but okay.  Just tired.  And tired of it all.

This evening Bob, Aimie, Katie and I went to a Bone Marrow Transplant Patient and Care Giver Class at the hospital.  The RN coordinator who conducted the class came up to us during the break to visit…”hey you guys!  What are you doing here again?”  It sucks to be popular at a bone marrow transplant class.

After class we stopped by the hospital gift shop and purchased each of us HUGE ‘Kardashian’ type rings; or as we call them the “care taker rings”.  Then we had dinner at a real restaurant (not that frozen yogurt isn’t a real dinner….)

We talked about the class, the plan for the next month, medical power-of-attorney, stress relief plans, life, death, etc.  Normal dinner conversation as of late.

So many similarities.  So many differences.  God is the same.  Our faith is the same.  Praying that results are the same.

Sometimes it feels like we are living a different life than the world around us.  Like we’re outside looking in…or is it inside looking out?

Why do I feel the need to constantly tell myself, “I’m okay.  I’m okay.  I’m okay.”  Reading my Bible every day.  Hanging on to His words.  Looking for Him to talk to me, for Him to guide me.  I will follow Him.  He has never let me down.

Valentine’s Day

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day 2012.  Mom had blood drawn and is watching her counts drop from chemo.  She has a bone marrow biopsy next Tuesday to determine whether she stays on this chemo or switches to another.  Bob and I went to see the BMT doctor.  His cancer counts have dropped a bit…but not enough so we’re starting pre-BMT staging on Monday, to be followed by the transplant in a couple of weeks.  We’re ready.

A dozen roses were delivered to me at work yesterday.  Beautiful.  The card just read “i love you”.  I assumed they were from Bob.  He came in my office and saw them – picked up the card and read it – set it back down and started to walk out.  I said, “Thanks for the flowers Bob.”  In typical Bob form, he didn’t really respond but just smiled.  Katie then said, “ummmm, those flowers are from me and Jordan.”  We cracked up.  I asked Bob, “did you know those flowers were from Katie?  It sort of seemed like you took a bit of credit for them?”

He responded, “Well I thought someone here at the office got them for you from me.”

Eight years ago on Valentine’s day Bob and I were in the hospital – going on our 6th week there.  Bob had a trach tube in his throat, had woken from his coma but had not spoken yet.  Was just starting to write notes to us.  Horribly hard to understand notes.  On Valentine’s Day the nurses entered the room and told me I had a delivery in the waiting room.  There were a dozen roses, beautiful.  The card read, “have i told you lately that i love you?”   I assumed they were from Bob.  I questioned him, he did NOT take credit but was as confused as I was by the delivery.  Rusty had ordered flowers for me from Bob.  Funny memory.  Yesterday made me think about it.

But instead of thinking of the past, I’d like to think of the future.  I have HOPE for a future with Bob.  Hope for a Valentine’s Day when we’re old and gray … (okay, old and not coloring my gray hair) … and receiving valentine’s from our great grandchildren.  Hope for a future.  God tells me I can have hope for a future.  I will.

Faith vs Fear

Is faith the opposite of fear?  I wonder.  Sometimes I get afraid; afraid of death.  Afraid I’m losing my mom and/or my husband.  I have weird thoughts fly through my brain…”what if you lose her?  what if you lose him?  what if you lose them both?”  Then I quickly have to speak to that fear and tell those thoughts to leave.  It’s not that I dwell on death – I don’t.  But it quickly “attacks me” once in a while, it comes out of nowhere.  I don’t like it.  Being afraid stinks.  yuck

Faith helps me to not be afraid, it gives me something to hold on to.  I must have faith in God.  I must have faith in His words, His promises.  I must live by that faith…or I live in fear.  I believe that I will be okay.  I believe that Bob will be fine, he will live and not die.  I believe that mom has a future, and will not die.  I believe that our faith will not fail, we will overcome.  My faith keeps me sane.  My faith keeps me from being afraid.  My faith helps me to get up every day and walk through the day…my faith helps me to NOT fall, my faith helps me to NOT stay in bed all day paralyzed by fear.

I choose faith.


just an update

Update:  Mom’s bone marrow biopsy showed essentially no change from the last one.  The good news is that it was not worse.  She had another round of chemo (just finished friday the 3rd of February)…and she’s doing well.  She will have another bone marrow biopsy in a few weeks; to see if the chemo is working.

Bob will have blood drawn tomorrow, then see the doctor a week later.  February 14th, Valentine’s Day we will be at the doctor’s office discussing a bone marrow transplant.  How romantic.

That’s it for the health care updates.