After the funeral there were so many flowers. Most of them were brought to my house, I hated feeling like I was living in a funeral home…but I didn’t want them anywhere else.
Most of the guests had gone home, except Beth (Paula’s dearest friend, who is family). She helped us press the flowers that we wanted to keep. We spent an entire day doing so. I hated it. Those flowers that i didn’t want to see every morning when i came down the stairs…I also didn’t want anyone to touch. But touch them we did, press them we did.
Last weekend Paula, Aimie, Katie and I decided to start framing some of the pressed flowers. It was time. We spent almost an entire day, crying and laughing and arranging flowers. We are going to send one to each of mom’s kids, and one to Aunt Char (mom’s sister).
I’m not sure how I feel about dried flowers. Not something that I’d usually choose to decorate with…but these are memories. An expression of the love that was poured out to us. Somehow, reminding us of mom. Not like the living flowers that mom loved so much, different. The beautiful, lush flowers that surrounded us at the funeral are different now, they will not come back…but we will preserve the memory of them in a new way.
She’s not coming back either. We will have to learn to be okay with the memories. Why is that such a hard concept to grasp at times. But it’s going to be okay. We are going to be okay. There will continue to be sad days, but there will also be happy days. Things will not be the same, ever. But that’s something we will adjust to as well.
In the newly present sentiment of “I’m going broke…I’m going under!”; dad has come up with a few brilliant ideas.
He is going to sell his car and buy a bike. Let that one sink in a minute. A seventy year old man riding his Schwinn through the snowy Colorado streets.
He’s going to cancel Mr. Lee’s Lawn Service to save the $20 a week for grass cutting. He will then sell his snow blower and buy a riding lawn mower to cut his own grass. Never mind the fact that his yard may not be large enough for a riding lawn mower to turn around in…and the steep hill in the back yard may pose a hazard. Then there’s the issue with shoveling snow…maybe he’ll pay someone to shovel.
Wrote this friday night:
Trying to change my perspective. Trying to TRUST God again. Grief has wrecked havoc with my life…and I DON’T want to allow this anymore. (problem being….I sort of have no control when it comes)
Grief has been like a relentless tidal wave. I just get my bearings, just get my footing, then ‘holy cow here it comes again!’. Before I know it I’m turned upside down, flopping around for a bit, not able to feel secure, not able to get my footing…tossed all over the place. I hate it. I feel completely helpless in every area, weak, lost, confused and unsure of every decision.
But I KNOW THAT those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
(I’m trying to trust him again, had a weird bout with “can I trust Him?” after mom died, related to that grief tidal wave thing. I need some strength though, so I’ll have to work very hard on trusting Him.)
I need God’s help. I need to trust Him. I need to be able to turn things over to Him again, and believe that He will take care of me. I lost that trust. I lost that secure feeling with Him. I need it back. Wow, this is hard.
Sort of feels arrogant not to trust God with my life. I mean, if I can’t trust Him who can I trust? I surely don’t want to walk through life feeling like everything is on my shoulders. I have to give myself back over completely to Him. I need to feel safe with Him again.
Sunday morning at church, one of the Pastors came to me and gave me a card and said, “The person who gave this to me told me they wanted it to be anonymous.” Weird…that never happens. The card said “Here is a little something for you….(a few personal things)…and Isaiah 40:31 This is the season that HE IS renewing your strength.” It also contained a $100 bill. 🙂
We sold the house. The house that we purchased for Nikki and her family to live in. The deal was, we’d buy it and they’d make the payments. That worked for about 4 years. She and her husband separated in January and I think that may have been when it all fell apart for her. (I may be a bit generous with that assessment…it may have been long before January of 2012 when she fell apart…but let’s just pretend).
So this past July, 2 months after losing mom, we were given the “I’m moving out, can’t afford it” speech. We took possession August 1st. We took about 3 weeks to clean up the mess that was left. We threw away the furniture that was left, the clothes that were strewn all over the floor, and the half a dumpster full of trash that was just left there. We took the family pictures and dishes that were from mom and stored them. We painted, cleaned, repaired, installed new carpet…all to the tune of about $14,000.
We listed with a realtor, the realtor had a bit of a melt down during the contract negotiations with a potential buyer (yes, we needed THAT), the realtor threw the contract across the table at us and quit because we wouldn’t agree to every single item on the “buyer wants” list, we were left with a for sale by owner option or finding another realtor.
Regardless, it sold.
Does everything have to be this hard right now? Is it this hard because I’m living under a shadow? or is it just really this hard?
Maybe I’ll try to find the good in this. We are going to sell the house. We will get our invested money out of the house. It will be OFF of my plate very soon. Another chapter closed.