Bob and I were invited to a ‘Partner Weekend’ in Vail. We partner with a local ministry. Which essentially means we donate to help send those who are called and willing to preach and offer hope/supplies/food to other countries.

We all introduced ourselves and described who we are and why we were there. As Bob and I sat together listening to a room full of approximately 15 partners, I was overwhelmed by the amount of faith, wisdom and sheer talent gathered in that room. People spoke of their trips to Cambodia, China, Ethiopia, Syria, Iran, India, Africa…etc. preaching the gospel and providing hope. They told of their visions, some still waiting to manifest and some realized. As I listened, I felt a bit intimidated, I felt small.

A Pastor of 5 churches on the East Coast. A woman who pastored a church with her husband, when her husband died 2 years ago she took over — and preached the day after he passed, and has grown that church into a full city block of buildings. A woman who helped develop software that has revolutionized phone bank systems — she happens to work closely with some very high profile people. Pastors of a church in California who travel extensively to some scary places, preaching the gospel, and have a trip planned soon that prompted us to pray for their safety. A couple who own a few businesses in the midwest, they happen to own their own private plane and are taking flying lessons together. A woman and her daughter who are from the family who founded a college in the North East. A woman who (with her husband) develops commercial properties – quite a few. A retired woman who still owns an office building, and most of the businesses that occupy that building.

After getting to talk with, and hang out with these people, these giants, I started to realize that I was only as small as I saw myself. As small, or as big as my faith. They had all gotten to where they were by believing. By ‘partnering’ with God.

It was incredible. It was encouraging. It was faith building.

I have been so bogged down in MY world…I have not seen the world around me. I want to have mountain moving faith again!

2015. I didn’t make resolutions, or revolutions this year. I just decided that it’s time for a change, period. I’d like to go back to that faith I had before mom died. Life is depressing if you are not close to God. For me anyway. I suppose once you’ve tasted that intimacy with God, nothing else satisfies. Not His fault I don’t feel the same, I’m sure it was me. And I can’t wait for life to be “Good” again before pursuing that level of relationship again, I just need to dive in. So I’m going to start with this — read my bible every day. A little or a lot, just something everyday. And pray more. Say anything to God, just keep the conversation going.
Also, it seems to help when I write, so I’ll be doing more of that. It may not always be pretty, but here goes.

Those who trust in The Lord will find new strength.
I want NEW strength. If I believe the Bible, that means I’ll have to trust in The Lord. Okay.
Not so easy to learn to trust again after being beaten down…? let down…? disappointed in Him…?
But here’s what I’m seeing around me, everyone is let down and disappointed if they allow it. Why would I think that I wouldn’t have trials and tribulations here on earth? Why do I get to escape that? I don’t. I live in a fallen world. This world will have pain. My choice in whether I let that continually effect me is MY CHOICE. I can choose to wallow in what has happened, and be sad, offended and EFFECTED by it (feeling justified in my anger because…hey! look what has happened to me!!) OR i choose to trust in The Lord again, and find new strength.
The choice is obvious. The Choosing every day to trust Him is the work. It shouldn’t be this hard, but sometimes it just is.
Today I will trust you God.

Hard to believe it’s August of 2014. Dog days of summer, as mom used to say. My head seems full lately, so I thought I’d start writing again.

A few weeks ago Bob told me that he’s been praying for God to take him. He was very upset, crying and telling me that he’s just done. “I’ve asked God to heal me for so long, and I just started praying that if He’s not going to heal me I want Him to take me.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I immediately went into nurse mode, assessing whether this was venting or having true suicidal tendencies. I asked serious questions trying to gather enough information to diagnose him. I encouraged him to go see someone. I called Aimie over and we (she) prayed for him.
I don’t know how to help him anymore. I have been praying for healing for 10 years too. I’m tired too. I don’t want him to die, but I don’t have any answers. It’s such a bizarre feeling to listen to your husband cry to you that he wants to die…and be numb. Am I walking through life numb?

I guess it’s time to get serious. No more grieving, no more pity. It’s time for me to get my relationship with God straightened out.
This year I made a decision to work on relationships, to reach out and see people again. Connor called it my “New Year’s Revolution”. The revolution has gone well so far. I’ve visited friends in St Louis, I’ve been to see Jill in Florida, I’ve gone to Alabama to see family. I’ve been reaching out to friends here, I’m saying YES to invites. All good.
Except for the relationship that matters most. I guess I’m still sort of keeping my distance from God. Will need to work on that one. I’ll start with reaching out to Him in all honesty – I guess I’ve felt like He’s failed me. (sort of the same feeling Bob is having?) I wasn’t really angry with Him, so I thought I was “safe”. It wasn’t anger, it was disappointment which is worse maybe.
Me disappointed in God. Who do I think I am?? I get to judge God now? I felt betrayed by Him. I did everything I was supposed to do, and He didn’t do His part. This sounds so selfish now. The grief of losing mom – and the grief of losing Bob (that’s what it feels like) all mixed together with life’s normal stress was too much. So for over 2 years now I’ve backed away. I’ve made unhealthy choices. Not disciplined in reading my Bible, or writing, or eating, or drinking, or socializing, or…or…or…or…anything.

Slowly but surely it’s all falling back into place. And last week when I went to church and heard a message about feeling betrayed by God. BAM – it hit me. Yes, I felt betrayed. So I backed away. Why stay close to someone who would betray you?! But this isn’t a good place to be. I’m not saying I’m living in gratuitous sin & debauchery – I’m just not where I NEED to be; and all signs seem to be pointing in the direction to get me back there now. It’s time to stop ignoring the signs.

So I’ll start over with God. A new relationship. Not sure what ups and downs this one will take, but I know I’ll get back into a relationship with Him and I start by forgiving Him – by asking for forgiveness from Him. I have to try to go beyond the betrayal, and trust Him again – I think that starts with forgiveness.

Oh – and Bob’s not suicidal, just overwhelmingly discouraged. He needs to work on things too. He’s seeing someone and it’s helping.