I had someone insinuate this week that our family lacked faith. That we should “just believe” and mom and Bob would be okay. Well….I do believe. I believe that God loves us and I believe that He wants Bob and Mom to be healed, whole, healthy. I don’t believe that God wants cancer to be in them. I do believe in an all-knowing, loving, personal, mighty, healing God. I believe we are all going to be okay.
I sort of questioned this accusation for a bit (but really only a bit, because people say the strangest things to us, and most of the time I have to filter out the crazy talk; and I find this to be crazy talk). But, as I spent my ‘bit’ questioning our faith – “God are we not doing something? Is there something we’re missing here? Should we be doing something differently? Or more, or less of something?” – I really examined this accusation.
I’m convinced that we are not having a crisis of faith here. We are not failing to believe, we are not discounting God, we are not scared of the outcome. I read in Matthew the other night about JC saying to the disciples, “where is your faith?” I don’t feel that JC is asking me that. He knows. I have faith, I’m standing on it. Every day, every minute. I have not turned away from God, I’ve run back into His arms where I feel safe. I’ve expressed my sadness, my exhaustion, my fears to Him. I’ve allowed Him to comfort me. My flesh cries out to Him. My soul remains planted in Him. I believe He hears, and I believe He is with us and will heal.
So what is this person seeing that makes her think we have no faith? Our walk? Our journey? It is the walk of human beings. We are tired. We do complain. My flesh and my emotions cry out and sometimes I whine! Sometimes I draw away from people too. Sometimes I feel the need to protect myself from others and their words and their “help” by not listening, by not engaging in those unhealthy conversations. I know where I am. Just because I won’t let everyone in – doesn’t mean I’m pushing you away. It just means – I’m needing my space here! God is in my space. He’s got me.
So I went to church again last night. Pastor Jill was praying. She doesn’t know this person had questioned our faith. She said, “Kim you have a strong foundation, you know where you are. Rest in that.” Thanks God. Thanks Jill.
So don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about our faith. But if you feel the need, pray for us. Pray for us to have strength as we walk out this journey. Because sometimes we’re just tired.
update: mom having a bone marrow biopsy this morning to let us know how the chemo worked, but last week her peripheral blood draw showed blast cells again and her healthy blood counts were dropping a bit. so they have scheduled another round of chemo to start monday. just part of the walk. i still believe that mom is okay, and going to be okay. just updating here.
bob still swelling in his legs. very tired. he says, “i’m not gonna die, just want this crap gone.” still fighting. still believing.