Just Thinking Out Loud

Jesus, “In this world you will have trouble.”
Me, “I hate it. I get it, but I hate it.”
When things get tough, don’t fall apart – go deep.

Heart:

Above all else, guard your heart.  your words either confirm or deny who you think is in charge of your heart. power of life and death in the tongue. Hope deferred makes a heart sick. BUT don’t lose heart – keep your eyes on unseen rather than seen.
Heart Sick
If you ever think anything other than God is good, pleasing, perfect…your mind needs renewal. Disappointment is the mother of bad theology.

 

Here we go again…again

Been awhile, lots to update.

Bob was the start of this blog, so we’ll start there. Cancer is back, he’s on chemo – low dose. Cancer isn’t the problem though, the aspiration pneumonia is. That man has been through so much, and has fought his way through it all. No details – bottom line – he weighs 132 pounds, he is on tube feeding nutrition through a G-tube and he prays daily that God will take him to heaven.
“Kim, why am I still here? Why won’t God just take me?”
Bob is such a good man, I hate that he is in this place. He STILL pushes himself to try and work and be productive. And God bless him – he IS PRODUCTIVE.

I don’t pray that God takes him, but I have dreams that he is gone and I’m alone. I go to take care of his feedings and hold my breath…”is he alive?” PTSD? or just me preparing myself. I love him. I wish he was ok. I hate this. And I’m tired. I can’t imagine how tired he must be.

Katie is herself again. Acutally better. Blessed – God is good.

Dad is gone. Will address this in a later post, I’m too emotional at the moment. I just feel like it’s time to write again. Time to get my feelings on a page, read it back to myself and document how good God has been to us, and know that He is still with us and still blessing us.

Article about Katie

ECMO: A ‘Bridge’ to Healing for Critically Ill Heart and Lung Patients

When 34-year-old Katie of Highlands Ranch started feeling sick in May of last year, she thought it was just another virus her children brought home from school. At ages 7 and 9, they had been sick with head colds and an ear infection. The family also had heard that strep throat was being diagnosed among their classmates.  “I started feeling kind of sick, but I hadn’t gone to the doctor. I kept pushing it off because I was taking care of the kids,” Katie explains. “But on the second or third day of being sick, I just all of a sudden felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

At this, Jordan, Katie’s high school sweetheart and husband of more than a decade, became concerned and drove her to urgent care for evaluation. The team at the urgent care center concluded that Katie needed more advanced care than they could provide, so she was brought by ambulance to Sky Ridge Medical Center in Lone Tree. “This is where I don’t remember much because I went into a coma. I was in lung failure, which was why I couldn’t breathe. They placed me in a medically induced coma and I was diagnosed with streptococcal pneumonia, which was causing all of my organs to fail,” she details. Later, a provider explained to Katie that she’d gotten three significant infections all at once and, despite being young and healthy, the combination was too much for her body to handle. This led to organ failure, and she began to show signs of sepsis.  In skyridge we were told that there was only a very small area in the upper lobe of her left lung that was working.  If htat

As her health continued to decline, the team at Sky Ridge recommended Katie for transfer to The Medical Center of Aurora (TMCA), a HealthONE sister hospital of Sky Ridge. TMCA is one of only a few hospitals in the Denver metro area that is equipped with ECMO: extra-corporeal membrane oxygenation. ECMO is a machine used to support the function of the heart and/or lungs in critically ill patients. “ECMO works by taking blood out of the body, oxygenating it and re-delivering it to the person,” explains TMCA’s Jason Shofnos, MD, a fellowship-trained cardiac surgeon double-board certified in cardiac and thoracic surgery. “ECMO started receiving more attention during COVID. Many people were so sick that we were having to support both the lungs and the heart. I’d argue that this technology saved hundreds if not thousands of lives at Denver-area facilities during COVID.” Dr. Shofnos furthers that, because of the impact of COVID, ECMO technology and support has continued to advance in the last several years, refining and improving both the equipment and the education of the providers. “While the technology is not new, it’s been reinvigorated. We are using it for patients we weren’t necessarily thinking about using it on before. Now, we see it as a bridge to another therapy or recovery. It buys time for critically ill heart and lung patients, giving the medications time to work and the body to heal,” he adds.

For Katie, this bridge was lifesaving. “They were saying that I had a very slim chance of living. They told my husband to get the kids and bring them to say goodbye to me,” Katie recalls through tears. “He told them ‘No she’s not going to die’ and they said if I could be transported to [TMCA] there was a machine there that could bring me back to life. And that’s when they made the decision to transfer me.”

Katie’s hospital stay lasted the entire summer, but thanks to the support of ECMO and her specialized care team, she was able to heal. Care at a facility such as TMCA is unique—not only because of access to the ECMO machine, but also because of the highly specialized team operating it and caring for ECMO patients. “The nurses not only have more training, but they also have an affinity to care for these types of patients. We also have intensivists (critical care doctors) who are specialized in this as well. Each morning in the ICU, we have rounds together—one of the surgeons, a nurse practitioner, nurses, a pharmacist, a case manager, a dietitian and perfusionist.  We all collaborate on the patient’s care and what’s the appropriate step to take that day. This is an important part of ECMO care—helping the patient get off the machine and into recovery,” Dr. Shofnos clarifies.

While Katie’s road to recovery wasn’t short or easy—a 60-day stay in the hospital and physical therapy—she is returning to normal life slowly.  She’s spending time with Jordan and their children, overseeing home renovations, cooking and baking for her family once again. Katie reports that she is grateful for both the technology as well as the team that supported her at the hospital. “Every nurse I had was so nice. I must have looked scary with tubes and bags and IVs, but they didn’t treat me like just a lump lying there. They talked to me and saw me as a person,” she explains. “It’s crazy what this technology and team can do, but it’s such a good thing. It saved my life.”

That is the published story. Ours is much more intense. Maybe one day I’ll write again. Maybe writing helps me get over the trauma. I don’t know…

Katie

Katie has been sick. We have fought again. God is great. He gave us victory, again. Thank you Lord for giving us the W.

Aimie started a blog to keep friends and family updated. It’s raw. Www.ktbreakingthru.wordpress.com

The fight continues a bit. She is healed, restoring her strength. We fight insurance again.

God I love you. I’m tired. I miss my mom.

In Sickness & In Health

Bob is recovering from pneumonia … AGAIN.  He went for a Barium Swallow … AGAIN.  They say he has a problem swallowing and that’s why he keeps getting pneumonia … AGAIN.

Now they want to send him to a different ENT doc to see if they can’t actually FIX this problem that keeps causing pneumonia.  I think we’ve tried this before too.

I’m so tired of this.  I’m so tired of him being sick.  I’m so tired of being the strong one.  I’m so tired.

I guess he’s tired too.

 

 

Timing, I Guess

Bob had a routine follow up with Dr. Matous – his BMT doc. Everything looks good. We’re waiting on blood test results. These “waiting” periods used to freak me out. Now, not so much.
Another thing that used to freak me out – our pool. Every year I’d fight putting it up, keeping it up, cry, be reminded that Bob wasn’t the man I married because he couldn’t help me with putting up the pool – or with anything for that matter. Why was that pool such a reminder of how my life was falling apart?! It just was. Timing I guess.

Life is still…well, life. Bob is still struggling.
The pool doesn’t remind me of bad times anymore though. I had a concrete patio installed so the ground would be level and the pool wouldn’t fall over. I had new steps installed from the deck down to the pool so I didn’t feel like someone was going to fall down those old rickety steps every time they walked on them. I wait until the end of summer to buy the next summer’s pool at a deeply discounted price. And now I put the pool up with my grand kids. No more freaking out about the pool.
Lesson for me? This too shall pass? All things work out? Timing I guess.

pool install helpers

20160523_104712(0)

20160606_122118

Bad Theology

In my quest to find a church that speaks to me – I find that I’m not bouncing around as much as I thought I would. I’ve only been to 2 other places – there are some fantastic churches and wonderful people out there! Do I need to plant myself somewhere, or is it okay to just keep looking around for a while? Who knows, I may end up right back where I started. I did go back to my home church a few weeks ago, and though it was nice to see familiar faces and sit in a familiar pew…it did confirm that I’m not finished searching for whatever it is I’m searching for yet. Why am I not finding it there? Dad says, “They’re all the same.” Maybe. Maybe they are. But I’m going to have to find that out for myself I guess.

One phrase that was spoken a few weeks ago, spoke to me – “Disappointment is the mother of bad theology.” The premise was that if I believe God to be unkind, unloving or apathetic toward me or my life in any way, I may become disappointed in Him. Disappointment in God would most likely lead to my thinking things about Him that are just Not true. I thought about that for awhile. Am I disappointed in God? NO. I don’t feel that way. I know God is kind & loving, and I know – that I know – that I know – He Loves Me! He’s never left me. I think for a bit I was angry with Him and confused by Him, (being honest here) but I’ve never been disappointed in Him. Disappointed in what life has dealt? Maybe. But not God.
He’s got to be bigger than life. Bigger than hurt and pain. More than I can imagine. I want to know Him MORE. I want to go deeper. I want to understand more of His nature. Good Theology I would think.

the·ol·o·gy
THēˈäləjē/Submit
noun
the study of the nature of God and religious belief.

Pancakes – Good for the Soul

Had breakfast with an old friend. Talked about God, the fact that I’m searching for something new, and looking into new churches. He listened to everything I had to say.
Then I listened to what he had to say. He’s struggling too. Struggling to find God in the life that he’s living right now. I wanted to help him – wanted to pull him up and encourage him.

I’m no expert – but I think that everyone may have a hole in their life. Some a little deeper than others. Grief was a big giant hole that I fell right into, but I think there are situations that may start small and we don’t step out of them soon enough and they grow to consume us. We almost get comfortable there. Yuck.

As we shared our pancake – we laughed and reminisced and reminded each other of God’s love for us NO MATTER our current situations.

I think we need to all step out of our holes and look around. I think we need each other. Talk to your friends, visit, laugh, share a pancake. It’s good for the soul.

20160505_082053

Apple vs Google

Dad’s new iPhone is having issues. When we call him, the first call or two go directly to his voicemail. If we keep calling it eventually connects.

Saturday we were all together playing Pinochle at my house. Stan was there, and he’s the iPhone aficionado, so I recruited him to fix the problem. I figured a rocket scientist could handle it.
He gave it the obligatory 5 minutes of trying and then said, “You’ll probably have to go to the apple store dad.”
iPhone ONE — Rocket Scientist ZERO

Then next day dad called me complaining, “Stanley lost the case to my phone! The other day at your house when he was trying to fix my phone, he took it off and never put it back on.”
I was confused, not the only one evidently. I questioned him for a bit, until he became angry with me. “Yeah, he left it at your house and I bet you threw it away! I don’t know what else could have happened to it.” After a few more accusations regarding our plan to rid him of a $20 phone case…I asked him to pull the phone away from his ear and look at it closely, maybe the case was indeed still there. “Ha ha ha ha, well I’ll be a son-of-a-gun! Yeah!! It’s here. It’s still on the phone.”

After solving that problem, he asked me to solve the connection issue. So I googled it. Another Problem Fixed! For now. 

Capture

BREATHING IS FOREVER

Posted on April 21, 2016 by http://www.mydadiscrazierthanyourdad.com

“You know what Aimie told me? She told me that I’m gonna be on oxygen the rest of my life! I don’t know where she’s getting this, I never heard that from the doctor. I don’t know why she’s saying this.” He’s actually upset.

I explained that the doctor has been telling him that he should be wearing oxygen ALL THE TIME for a few years now. I reminded him that he and mom used to argue over him wearing his oxygen.

He doesn’t believe it. He’s going to wear it just until he feels better, and then he’s going to get rid of this GD, SOB, death contraption. “These tubes and this machine are gonna kill me! I get stuck on everything, it’s a pain in the ass to drag this thing around!”

Yesterday I showed him some new carrying cases. He decided he didn’t want a new one. We rigged his current carrying case to go around his waist – one of the options his current case offers. He likes it. For now. But still says he’ll be getting rid of this oxygen soon, as soon as he’s better.

dad