White Flag

When mom died, I remember feeling the intense grief and deciding that I wanted it all….all the grief and all the pain. I thought that if I faced it all, and took it all, I could get it over with and not return to grief years later. Good plan huh?
Well, I’m waving a white flag here. I’d like to be finished now, no more grief please. Even if that means that some time later in life I face it again, or I walk down a path that leads me to tears and sadness, that’s okay. I don’t think I’m going to stay in this place and somehow overcome grief, or beat it into submission.

Yes, my plan sucked.
Grief sucks.

Maybe grief turned to depression? Maybe I stayed there too long, waiting to battle it all at once – mistakenly thinking that I’d finish grieving and never face it again. Well I was wrong. And maybe time is what heals. The grief will always be there, I just need to choose not to live IN IT every day.

So, waving the white flag and walking away from it. Grief – you win. You’re bigger than me. I can’t beat you or make you go away. But I can choose to walk away from you. I know you’ll be there waiting for me, should I choose to come back and wallow around in the mud again.
But for now, peace out.

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The Hole

Found this….wrote it in January. Never posted it. Fell back in that hole. 😦

So I feel like I’ve turned a corner, or walked out of a fog, or crawled out of a hole. I’ve been here in this hole for over seven months. Grief Stinks!

Oh I’ve tried to get out…but every time I’ve lifted my head up or peaked around the corner I’ve faced a LIFE that was filled with depression, grief, sadness, cancer, fear, loneliness, yuck, yuck, yuck!

LIFE is still there, and I could continue to see the bad stuff, but for some reason (thank you God) I am able to choose to see the good stuff now too. And I’ve decided I’m going to focus on the good. God is still here in our midst and He will be my strength; again. I’m going to lean on Him again. I’m not going to run away from Him, or be mad at Him…because I just can’t anymore.

I’m choosing to walk out of this. I’m praying that I can not be sucked back into that hole….that seems oh so close still.

Complicated Counseling

Seeing the counselor every week still. I Asked this week, “Am I supposed to feel worse when I leave here then when I came in?”
Maybe sitting with a professional for an hour makes me think I’m supposed to open up and tell all…all thoughts, issues, problems, concerns, etc., etc.
If this pattern continues, I’ll never stop!

I’m starting to realize that he doesn’t have all the answers. Not that I thought he would, but would’ve been nice for a few answers.

He says, “This is called complicated grief.” It’s complicated alright.

Working through it. Finding my faith again. I don’t know how that looks….my faith.
I do know that I need a relationship with God. I just don’t know what it will look like after all this grief. I thought I wanted the same relationship I had before…
But maybe, just maybe, it can be better.

It’s complicated.

Lost needle

I’ve decided to cross stitch a quilt for my newest grand child, Hannah. I’m not a sewer, not a cross stitcher, not a very crafty person…so why did I take on this daunting task? Well, mom made quilts for Connor and Blake and I didn’t want Hannah to miss out.
So now I sit every night with this quilt in my lap, reading glasses low on my nose, and try to finish the task before she arrives.
The quilt will have 26 letters of the alphabet and various animals adorning it when finished. Currently it is a sea of light blue X’s.
If my calculations are correct, at the rate I’m moving I’ll have to work on this thing every day until due date for a minimum of two hours in order to complete it on time. That’s IF Hannah doesn’t decide to come early.
I’m committed. I have to be.
One problem….I keep losing my needle. How can I keep dropping it? Then finding it is like looking for a needle in a……well you get it.
So last night (after losing the needle in my bed) I decided to just quit for the night. I never found the needle. It obviously isn’t in my bed, as evidenced by a good nights sleep.
Somehow feel like there’s a lesson in this. Hope to find it…along with that needle.