Just Watching

There are days that I wake up before the sun rises, lay in bed and pray. Today was one of those days. As I lay in the dark, I thanked God first. Thanked Him for loving me, for taking care of me, for sending His son for me.
Then I pray for people in my life. People that come to mind. Family of course, then others. Always a mixture of people in my life. Always someone who has somehow touched me. Sometimes people who I feel are out to hurt me or take advantage of me. helps to give that to God.

Today I pray for a person that used to work for us, and was in an automobile accident a few years ago while working for us. This person finally came back to work … worked with us all week. We offered him his job back in an effort to try and help him re-enter the workforce. I thought it went very well. He did a good job. He was anxious, nervous, scared to be there. He expressed to me that his life was very stressful, that “if you only knew how much stress I’m under….”
I took a deep breath, and held my tongue. Yes, I took the high road. I didn’t express to him the stress that I was under. Why would he care? He was there to let me know how hard HIS life is, He was there to express HIS need…only seeing the world through HIS plight.

God, don’t let me only see the world through MY eyes. Let me see things through your eyes. Help me to see things from behind You, like peeking out around You. You’ve got this. I’m just watching.

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Strength

I spoke to someone today…someone from back home in St. Louis. This person asked me how things are going, I replied with just a few of the things that I feel are leading me down a path to nervous breakdown:
-I think my dad is getting Alzheimer’s, he’s been confused lately and it’s a bit scary
-We’ve gotten my niece into counseling
-I’m setting up an appointment to start seeing my own counselor to help cope
-There are a few issues at work that are unbelievably stressful…one involving a law suit
-Bob is still seeing the Bone Marrow Transplant doctor every week for the Graft vs. Host disease that he’s developed from his AUTO stem cell transplant (still sick every day)
-We are trying to sell a house that a renter TRASHED (Oh…that renter was a family member)
-I have been sick with a sore throat and head cold all day…trying not to get sick!

The response? “Well you’re a strong person, you’ll get through it.”

Why is it that I hate people telling me that I’m a strong person? Why don’t I get to have a break down, or run away from it all, or have someone rush to my side to help me, hold me, hug me, cry with me??
Nope. I get “you’re strong, you can do it.”

What if I’m not so strong? What if I can’t do it?

I’m trying to believe God. I’m trying to have faith that He will hold this together…or He will allow it to fall apart in a safe place. A place where He will pick up the pieces. Where He will hold me, He will be by my side. I’m trying very hard to feel Him near again…right now I just feel very alone.
God, please be with me. Please allow me to feel you near. I want to be in your presence, I want to feel your strength. I need you.

Hold it together

Colossians 1:16

16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.

17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

I’m trying to hold it all together..but maybe He’s got it. IF in HIM All things hold together, Why does it feel like it’s still falling apart?

I’m trying to work on this relationship with God that I thought I had. I’m not exactly mad at Him, just confused and maybe guarding myself a bit. I do keep getting glimpses of His strength, His peace, His comfort….but I’m not completely feeling that safe feeling with Him yet. I’m not sure what His will is for me. I keep feeling the world around me falling down, where is He? Is He holding it together? Is He holding me together?

There are a list of things happening, really just too much to write about yet. But I know I’m not imagining that my world is in chaos. It’s not just that mom is gone, and I’m not dealing well with her loss and seeing everything else through grief. Everything else really is a mess too. How much can one handle?

For now I’m going to have to work through this “trusting God” thing again. I’m going to have to trust that He will hold me together…even if my world is falling apart.

My Weekend Get Away

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I’ve had a few people over the past month tell me to “get away…take a trip…do something for yourself”. I resisted it, being the control freak that I am, I thought maybe my being here every day watching dad, calling dad, making sure he’s eating, etc. was helping in keeping it together. (NOT true, I’m not helping keep it together, I’m just closer at watching it fall apart).

I also quite honestly just didn’t want to go away. I’m not in a vacationing, having fun sort of mood yet. (and how dare anyone else be having fun yet!!) So I resisted the get away…until I realized that I was sort of having these mini-breakdowns, and not really helping anyone around here so much anyway. I mean…is it really helping anyone to see me cry, yell, shut down or fall apart?

I don’t think so. I guess I’m coming to that realization, I really cannot help anyone else in the state that I’m in. So I’ll just work on helping myself first. As selfish as that originally sounded to me…maybe it’s necessary (as long as there is SOMEONE here who will pick up the pieces should they fall to the ground again…as they seem to every day). Team work. I have to rely on the others in the family who will step up and help.

And — If it takes a weekend away once in awhile just to let me know that the world won’t stop turning while I leave, so be it. Next time longer…and Paris?

August 2012

I’ve had a birthday. We’ve endured mom’s birthday, dad’s birthday and what would have been mom and dad’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. Hard days all.

The pain is different now. Not as frequent, not as intense. Still here, just different. Like something you learn to live with. Like arthritis. Hurts worse on certain days, always sort of there, but most days you just try to ignore that nagging sensation of pain.

There are other things to contend with. Life. And some things that are just unfair. Dad is raising Haley now. Paula, Aimie, Katie and I try to help. It’s confusing for all of us. Probably mostly Haley. She wants a mom. Her mom chose freedom, her mom chose to run away from it all, her mom chose to leave her entire family at our most needy time ever, her mom chose selfishness, her mom basically left us all for… Drugs? That’s the only thing that helps me understand leaving all of us…and leaving her four kids. She left Haley, (the one she called the ‘most’ trouble) with her 70 year old grieving father. So the other women in the family have stepped in to help dad raise this troubled teen. Not fair. (I can hear mom so clearly say, as she always did, “Who told you life was fair?”) So while Nikki has lived on the street, engaged in deviant social and drug behavior, and God knows what else, we have been trying to hold things together within our family and for her oldest child. Life is not fair.

Did mom know it was this bad? We’d had conversations about it, about her…
I wonder if mom knows now?

So life is for the living. We’ve been going through the motions, living. This last week of August has been a hard one. Why? I keep wondering why? Why are some days/weeks, harder than others?
Don’t know. I just know that this journey we’re on, this journey through grief is not over. not over yet.

Colors mixing

Late June, I wrote this. Still feels like I’m sinking….or going to beat a strangers child. 🙂

Today I had to go with Bob to see his nephrologist, then the BMT doctor, then to the hospital for his breathing treatment….because, oh yeah – we are still only three months out from his transplant and that means we are still up to our necks IN IT.
I hate that we had to talk to Dr M about mom, I hate that I have to explain why we are not happy about Bob’s progression…because I don’t care right now.
Bob is a complainer. Not that he doesn’t have things to complain about. He does. But it seems unfair that he’s better, he’s still here, he’s constantly complaining and unhappy and seems so generally hate life….and she’s gone. She didn’t complain (much), and lived every second. Enjoyed life every day.
Weird feelings. Probably normal. I’m sure it is…
And I’m sitting in this waiting room …. And there is a kid in here with her iPad so freaking loud … Sesame street …. So loud … And she keeps pushing the rewind and repeating the same line in this song that Elmo or Tellie is singing … “colors mix above my head, like orange made with yellow and red” over and over and over and over
I am going to kick something
Over and over and over

Maybe it stopped….nope. Colors still mixing.
I should stop now, because this anger is not looking pretty spewed all over this page.