Hard to believe it’s August of 2014. Dog days of summer, as mom used to say. My head seems full lately, so I thought I’d start writing again.
A few weeks ago Bob told me that he’s been praying for God to take him. He was very upset, crying and telling me that he’s just done. “I’ve asked God to heal me for so long, and I just started praying that if He’s not going to heal me I want Him to take me.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I immediately went into nurse mode, assessing whether this was venting or having true suicidal tendencies. I asked serious questions trying to gather enough information to diagnose him. I encouraged him to go see someone. I called Aimie over and we (she) prayed for him.
I don’t know how to help him anymore. I have been praying for healing for 10 years too. I’m tired too. I don’t want him to die, but I don’t have any answers. It’s such a bizarre feeling to listen to your husband cry to you that he wants to die…and be numb. Am I walking through life numb?
I guess it’s time to get serious. No more grieving, no more pity. It’s time for me to get my relationship with God straightened out.
This year I made a decision to work on relationships, to reach out and see people again. Connor called it my “New Year’s Revolution”. The revolution has gone well so far. I’ve visited friends in St Louis, I’ve been to see Jill in Florida, I’ve gone to Alabama to see family. I’ve been reaching out to friends here, I’m saying YES to invites. All good.
Except for the relationship that matters most. I guess I’m still sort of keeping my distance from God. Will need to work on that one. I’ll start with reaching out to Him in all honesty – I guess I’ve felt like He’s failed me. (sort of the same feeling Bob is having?) I wasn’t really angry with Him, so I thought I was “safe”. It wasn’t anger, it was disappointment which is worse maybe.
Me disappointed in God. Who do I think I am?? I get to judge God now? I felt betrayed by Him. I did everything I was supposed to do, and He didn’t do His part. This sounds so selfish now. The grief of losing mom – and the grief of losing Bob (that’s what it feels like) all mixed together with life’s normal stress was too much. So for over 2 years now I’ve backed away. I’ve made unhealthy choices. Not disciplined in reading my Bible, or writing, or eating, or drinking, or socializing, or…or…or…or…anything.
Slowly but surely it’s all falling back into place. And last week when I went to church and heard a message about feeling betrayed by God. BAM – it hit me. Yes, I felt betrayed. So I backed away. Why stay close to someone who would betray you?! But this isn’t a good place to be. I’m not saying I’m living in gratuitous sin & debauchery – I’m just not where I NEED to be; and all signs seem to be pointing in the direction to get me back there now. It’s time to stop ignoring the signs.
So I’ll start over with God. A new relationship. Not sure what ups and downs this one will take, but I know I’ll get back into a relationship with Him and I start by forgiving Him – by asking for forgiveness from Him. I have to try to go beyond the betrayal, and trust Him again – I think that starts with forgiveness.
Oh – and Bob’s not suicidal, just overwhelmingly discouraged. He needs to work on things too. He’s seeing someone and it’s helping.