I’ve been avoiding this top lately; Bob. But I think maybe it’s time to delve in.

Bob is 13 months out from Bone Marrow Transplant number two. Though he’s cancer free, he’s taken a few steps backwards in life. He states that this second transplant has wiped him out. He doesn’t have much stamina, doesn’t have much of an appetite, and frankly doesn’t seem to have much of a life.

He saw the counselor with me a few times, but Bob has never been much of a talker. He didn’t have much to say other than, “I’ve had 2 bone marrow transplants in 8 years, I’m tired. The complications from the first round of chemo 8 years ago fried my brain and I have a hard time with my speech. My memory sucks. Everything is hard.”

The counselor asked if he wanted to live. Bob said yes. Enough said.

At this point Bob is trying to define life. Aren’t we all?

I saw the counselor one last time. He’d been out sick for a month, I had a break for a month. I didn’t feel any worse during the month off, so I figured it was time to stop. (I know…my deductive reasoning skills are impressive.)

So my last visit was essentially a ‘break up’. We discussed life, death, moving forward; he apologized that life was so hard. I told him it wasn’t his fault that life was hard. I thanked him for listening to me for so many hours of venting.

Bottom line: counseling let me know (from a professional) that I’m not crazy and I’m not losing my mind. 🙂

I’m just a normal person going through a difficult time. My life, like so many other people’s lives, is filled with difficult circumstances. Some more difficult than others. I suppose that life and it’s normal stress became amplified during grief and became so unbearable that I needed a professional to tell me “yes, this is hard. yes, this is life. yes, you will get through this. now find your strength, your healthy coping mechanisms, and move on.”
(there were also a few “wow…life has dealt you some harsh blows, you’ve been dealing with some really hard stuff for awhile now! you are not weak, you are not having a hard time dealing with normal stress, you have really had a hard road and some complications!” which helped justify my feelings) None-the-less, the counselor didn’t actually FIX anything. I think that’s my job.

So where do I go from here? forward.
without a paid counselor to tell me how to walk through life, I’ll listen to the counselor that is inside me. The spirit that guides me. I’ll talk to God again, I’ll listen to Him again. I’ll seek, I’ll find. I’ll ask and He’ll answer.

Because after this break up, it’s time to get back together with God.