Today was a bad day. I hate that I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I want off. “Jane…get me off this crazy thing….”
Bob and I are discussing a second bone marrow transplant. I know we’ll be going to see the doctor this week and he will be discussing another transplant with us, so I thought Bob and I should discuss it ourselves first. If the doctor is going to be telling us what HE thinks we should do…I think WE should already have our own opinion. I hate that we’re talking about this again. It’s so different this time. Last time it was – “Okay whatever it takes let’s do it.” More or less. This time — I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to do this, period. So Bob and I are ‘arguing’ about it. I say, “It makes no sense to do a transplant. It failed last time. Why do it again? Why go through that again? I don’t think I can go through it, I’m not sure I can do this again. I really am not sure that I can handle it.”
He says, “I don’t care what I have to do, whatever it takes to feel better again…even if I have to go through hell again to get better, I will do it.”
I cried a lot today. I think I’m scared, I KNOW I’m angry. I hate this. I don’t want Bob to die. Bob will not die. I keep pulling away from him. I’m angry with him for being sick. I feel like he needs to stop this. Irrational. Blah blah blah blah. This roller coaster is making me sick.
Read this today in Job, “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” I don’t like that. Because really…do we have a choice? We accept whatever we get. I can throw myself on the ground and scream and cry all I want; but I have to pick myself up and move forward; whether good or adversity come my way.
BUT….BUT…BUT —– TODAY WAS A FANTASTICALLY GOOD DAY TOO. My Connor, my first grandson, my very special grand baby turned 4 years old today. The Connor that doctors told us would not live, would not make it to his delivery date, would not make it through birth, would not cry when delivered, would not make it through the emergency surgery that they rushed him to at one hour old…is four years old today. The Connor that beat the odds four years ago, that survived lung surgery at 3 days old, that now has two full sized lungs…is four years old today. And this made me cry today too, but good tears. Tears of joy, tears of gratitude, tears of wonder. I am so thankful that our prayers were answered, our Connor lived and thrived and blesses us each and every day. I told him happy birthday and he told me, “Grammy I love you so much.” Melts my heart.
Emotional roller coasters have their moments.