our story part 1

saturday the 12th of May…we called 911 because mom passed out at home.  she convinced us and the paramedics that she was fine.

she asked Paula and I to stay the night.  we did.  at 230 am on sunday, mother’s day, dad woke me and said, “your mom needs you, she needs help getting up to the bathroom.”  I helped her.  she was weak, she complained that her knees hurt, her legs were hurting.  my mom didn’t complain.  my mom never complained.  after putting her back to bed, i stood next to her and rubbed her forehead.  i kissed her on the forehead.  like she had done for me my whole life.  when i was sick, or sad, or tired…she placed her hand on my forehead and pushed my hair back…kept her hand at the top of my head and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.  that was her thing.  and at 245 am on mother’s day i did the same to her.  told her i loved her and asked if she was going to be okay.  she said, “No.  Do you think i should have gone to the hospital today?”

I told her no, if she didn’t feel that she needed to go she wasn’t supposed to.  then she said, “Kim, I think you need to call the doctor.”  I told her that if i called him, he’d send us to the ER and they’d admit her.  She said, “I know.  I think i need to go now.”

I called her doctor, and he told us to go.  When I went back into the room I helped her up, she said to me, “Kim…will you help your dad with the insurance and all of the bills?”  i said i would.  thinking that she was telling me to help with the ER bills/insurance.  I know now that she wasn’t talking about the ER.  she was talking about the plethora of bills and insurance EOBs that we are dealing with now.  the ones that look just like Bob’s…but they say Barbara…and Barbara is not here to take care of those bills now.  I am.  that’s what she was asking me.  if i’d have known then i would have said NO MOM…NO…DON’T GO.  Don’t leave us mom.

i won’t be able to tell this story in one post.  maybe not in 10.  i’m not totally ready to share everything with everyone.  that’s why my posts are protected.  I will unprotect the posts…i will let everyone who has asked “in”…in.  but please don’t give me empty words back.  don’t respond with words.  just pray for us.  pray for me…that God will help me.  that he will hold me.  i’m falling down, and He is the only one that can lift me.  when i’m ready.  now….i’m not.  i’m in a bad place and for some reason i feel that i need to be here.  it would not do justice to what i’m going through to leave this place now.  i want to feel every ounce of it.  i don’t want out yet.  i want all of it.  i want it to tear me up…so that when i leave i can rebuild without tearing down again…i don’t want to have to come back and finish anything.  i need to get it all now.

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land of pain

i don’t know how this feeling can be so personal, so selfish, and yet so textbook. Bob and I went to see his Bone Marrow Transplant doctor Monday. We told them about mom. I hate that they can tell us what we are going through, and what to expect, and that anger is normal….blah blah blah

I don’t want anyone telling me “i know how you feel” i don’t want to think that anyone else can feel this. because me relationship with my mom was MINE, so my grief is MINE. i don’t want someone to think that a textbook, or a psychology book can lay out the answers. NO.

i don’t want anyone telling me that it will get better. or that anyone can help. I’m waiting on God. even though i’m not talking to him right now, and not hearing him…i’m waiting on him to help me. If He’s got all this covered, and He’s all powerful, and He gets to make all the decisions in this…then He’s got it. He’d better help me. because i’m not sure anyone else can.

it will get better. i know it will. right now im just still in the land of pain and grief. i will walk through it. but if i have to be here…i want everything it’s got to give me.

Grief

i didn’t look up the dictionary definition for grief.  i know my definition.

anger, bitterness, pain – pain that i never knew existed and that i feel inside my chest, in my heart, in my gut…real physical pain.

doubt, confusion, denial, forgetfulness, acute awarenss of feelings and emotions…

dizzy at times, short of breath at times, scared at times, not sleeping, not eating…drinking too much wine

and above all else wondering, why?  how?  i don’t get it?  didn’t god tell us to believe and pray in faith and know that what we ask for will be ours?  as long as it’s not against His will.  wasn’t healing her His will?  did she not want to be healed?  was she telling us all along that she was finished/ready to go/done/tired of the fight? yes.  why didn’t we hear her?  if we would have heard her, would we have treated her differently? yes.  is that what she didn’t want? to be treated like she was dying.  but she was.  why didn’t we know?  did we know?  those voices that i kept hearing telling me that she was going to die…i ignored.  i thought that was an attack on my faith.  maybe i did hear, maybe it did defeat my faith?  should we have pushed in harder to god?  prayed more?  could we have changed this?  don’t i believe that prayer and faith moves gods hand?  yes, i do!  then why was god not moved?  why?

faith. it’s not true.  not true that way i thought it was to be.  maybe i know god a lot less than i thought i did.  is this a new relationship with god?  i hate grief.  i hate this.

but i will not take medication, i will not numb this feeling.  i want to feel every bit of this horrific, terrible, destructive, angry, sad, numb feeling.  i need to.

mom…i miss you so much.  i need you still.  i wasn’t finished with you.  where do i turn now?

Mother’s Day

May 13, 2012 … Mother’s Day
We lost mom. Lost. That’s where I am right now.
In such a bad place, so alone, so sad, so confused, in so much pain. I didn’t know my heart could hurt this badly.
I didn’t want to write anything…but I have so much inside me right now, feels like its bursting to get out.
Haven’t been able to pray yet. Can’t talk to God. Tried to talk to mom, just wind up sobbing uncontrollable when I try.
Connor had a dream that his grandma came to him and picked him up and rocked him and said to him, “Oh my baby, oh my baby.” Then she gave him a butterfly. I want her to come to me and rock me.
Stan had a dream that he was reading a newspaper and she came and rearranged the words to spell out “I love you.”. I want her to tell me she loves me.
Dad saw two turtle doves in his yard….never has before and never since. They sat right outside the sliding glass door where he sits every day. They just stared up at him. He called us all in to see. One of the birds just stared at us. Dad cried. “We’ve never seen these birds in our yard, I think mom is talking to us.”
I have heard people talk of the pain associated with grief. I had no idea. I had no idea.
I hate this. I’m in a bad place. Too many questions and not enough answers. Numb and yet so keenly aware that my nerves are fried. Angry with God, yet having no where else to turn for comfort. Scared, of what I don’t know. Tired but too anxious to sleep.
Will I ever know love like that again?