May 13, 2012 … Mother’s Day
We lost mom. Lost. That’s where I am right now.
In such a bad place, so alone, so sad, so confused, in so much pain. I didn’t know my heart could hurt this badly.
I didn’t want to write anything…but I have so much inside me right now, feels like its bursting to get out.
Haven’t been able to pray yet. Can’t talk to God. Tried to talk to mom, just wind up sobbing uncontrollable when I try.
Connor had a dream that his grandma came to him and picked him up and rocked him and said to him, “Oh my baby, oh my baby.” Then she gave him a butterfly. I want her to come to me and rock me.
Stan had a dream that he was reading a newspaper and she came and rearranged the words to spell out “I love you.”. I want her to tell me she loves me.
Dad saw two turtle doves in his yard….never has before and never since. They sat right outside the sliding glass door where he sits every day. They just stared up at him. He called us all in to see. One of the birds just stared at us. Dad cried. “We’ve never seen these birds in our yard, I think mom is talking to us.”
I have heard people talk of the pain associated with grief. I had no idea. I had no idea.
I hate this. I’m in a bad place. Too many questions and not enough answers. Numb and yet so keenly aware that my nerves are fried. Angry with God, yet having no where else to turn for comfort. Scared, of what I don’t know. Tired but too anxious to sleep.
Will I ever know love like that again?