I’m reading Job. (following a “read through the bible in a year” plan) Maybe because I’m relating a bit too much with what I’m reading….but is this a joke? Is this a test? It feels sadistic. I’m sorry; this is just a rambling stream of consciousness, but life just feels cruel right now.
I’m reading in bed, listening to Bob moan and groan from the other room. He walks like he’s sick, talks like he’s sick, breathes like he’s sick…. this morning says “my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurts….” Complains like he’s sick. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
As I sit here and SEARCH for my faith…a few things stick out to me from what I read in Job:
9:33 Nor is there any mediator between us, who may lay his hand on us both. (so Job was old testament…no Jesus yet. We DO HAVE a mediator, right? Jesus does mediate for us. He prays for us, He died for us, He “took” this for us. Why can’t I let him have it? Why does it keep haunting me? )
12:9-10 Who among all these does not know That the hand of the Lord has done this. In whose hand is the life of every living thing. And the breath of all mankind. (has the Lord done this to us? Or has the Lord allowed the enemy to do this to us again? And why? Is this a test? and if so…I think I’m failing – at least right now.)
13:3 But I would speak to the Almighty and I desire to reason with God. (I desire to reason with God. I desire to talk with him and cry to him, and beg him for life again. I desire to throw myself on the ground and kick and scream and cry like a child. I desire to know why? Why is this happening again? And why is it so much the same…so many freakishly similar details; yet so very different. I was naïve last time. I ran into the fight, sword swinging and yelling and cursing the enemy – cancer be gone! Now I’m weary, I’m tired, I’m pensive. My thoughts drift to, “Why fight so hard for this? What if Bob is just finished? Why should I fight so hard for him to live when he seems to not really even enjoy life anymore…he’s so sick. Who would want to live like this? What’s there to live for?” Yuck yuck yuck. This is where I’ve been for a few days. Feels like I’m stuck in mud. God pull me out. Speak to me, reason with me. I’m ASKING….)
14:19 …so you destroy the hope of man. (I don’t want my hope to be destroyed. I know our lives are in God’s hands, and I know that God loves us; but I’ve been there…for the past few days I feel hopeless. God I know you are my hope, please don’t let me lose hope in YOU, You’re all I really have.)
16:6 though I speak, my grief is not relieved, and if I remain silent, how am I eased? But now He has worn me out. (yup)
19:25 I know that my Redeemer lives. (yup….God make this real to me again. Help me to KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW in my heart that you live, that you are here with us, that you do answer prayer and that you will see my faith and not my flesh. I am so weak, so confused, so angry, so selfish, so done….I thank you God that you are not finished. Not finished.)
Sorry to any of you reading this….just felt better to puke it out instead of leaving it in. It’s tearing me up inside. I need to find my hope again. Need to find my strength again. Need to find my God again. God help me. I need You.