Bob and I were aware that we would be discussing another transplant with the doc, so we decided this past weekend to talk about whether or not we were up for it. We talked all weekend about life and death. Did we want to fight this fight again? Did Bob have it ‘in him’ to fight; do I have it ‘in me’ to fight again? IF we decide to have the transplant, and IF Bob crashes again….do we want life support? Do we want to fight so aggressively for him to live that we will agree to keep him alive on machines (should it come to that)….?? (all this while taking down our Christmas tree — FINALLY)
I talked to the TEAM at work, told them we’d better be prepared on the WORK front too. We’re discussing ways to keep Superior afloat — NO, NOT JUST afloat, but prospering during the next few monts of uncertainty. Bob and I will possibly not be at work for a month or so. At most, our involvement will be minimal. I trust them. Told them that my priority was going to be Bob, and fighting this disease. They can fight the monsters at work.
So yesterday, Bob and Teresa and I went to see the Doctor. (thank God Stan married a bome marrow transplant nurse) T was our brain for the day, she listened and asked questions and was generally the calm, cool, collected one. I didn’t do so badly either. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Aimie prayed for us before we left. It was a good prayer; “God we trust YOU, give the doctor wisdom and speak through him. We will trust that you have Bob in the right place, with the right doctor and you are in control. Let us hear YOU speak God.”
The doctor was great. Weirdly, he almost feels like family. Bob’s cancer markers are down to 155 (from 187) BUT they need to be under 20 to be normal. Bob’s not feeling great so they’ve decided to stop all chemo for one month and see how he feels; “is this the chemo making you sick, or the disease?” In one month we will get cancer markers drawn again and if they are still high we will go to transplant. We see the Doc on February 14th. We met the Bone Marrow Transplant coordinator, she discussed some pre-transplant details; go to the dentist, go to the dermatolgist, we’ll talk to insurance, we’ll check your frozen stem cells, etc etc etc. They will also get a psychologist involved to help….blah blah blah. Same old stuff.
So as I leave the office, I’m thinking, “OK God. You’ve got a month. If you want to miraculously heal Bob and take this crap away once and for all….now would be a really, really good time.” Reading the book of Matthew this morning. JC said “according to your FAITH let it be to you.” The he healed a bunch of people who believed. God – we still believe. Even when our flesh cries out and our brains are numb and our emotions are like a roller coaster – we still believe. We always turn back to you. No matter what we face, we know you are with us and we know you will never leave us. I find comfort in that…and I trust you.