Okay so I think maybe no one is really following this, except Rusty, Shannon, and coach Chuck. So maybe I can be really transparent here.
I’m feeling really lonely. Just … Really….alone….
I’ll get over it, but I miss Bob. Even though he’s here with me every day…he’s not.
Aimie, Nick (with the boys), Katie & Jordan came over last night to visit. We had a great dinner…sword fish, halibut and crab legs on the grill. Such a good time. Played pool and foosball…listened to music and just hung out. It was so nice to have company. Makes me realize how lonely I feel. Bob is still so tired, and still sick. And I’m so tired of him being sick and tired. Blah blah blah
When I saw Dr Lee regarding my fever, he asked me how I was doing. I told him I was fine. He said, “Kim, you’re a very strong, very special woman”. Really????…what does he mean by that? I don’t know what else I can be. What else is expected of me? I’m not doing anything extraordinary…am I? I’m just doing what anyone would do? I’m doing what my mom would do, and what she taught me to do. I’m just doing what the bible tells me to do.
I’m doing for my husband what a wife should. Putting my needs behind his. Thinking of him before me. Loving him unconditionally. No matter what he is going through…no matter how hard this is…I’m supporting him. Does this suck? YES! Do I hate this? YES! But really, what choice do I have? I married him for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, ’til death do us part. PERIOD.
And while I’m rambling: there’s another thing I’d like to ramble on about, faith. I keep coming back to this one.
I have been told by more than one person that it just may be Gods will for people to die of cancer.
And there is no biblical reason for me to agree with this. I read that it’s Gods will to heal.
Please find me a place in the bible where Jesus Christ said, “your faith has healed you….but YOU on the other hand–oh you have cancer, and that one is too much for me”.
Find me something in His word that tells me that ‘I can heal for a little while, but then my power runs out’….
Find the verse that says ‘I will bless my children with cancer’….
Some call it being realistic….I call it a lack of faith.
Some call it being pragmatic…..I call it not understanding what Jesus was saying.
Some call it Gods will….I call it a misunderstanding of His word.
If God said all things are possible….then I believe ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. Period.
Not, “all things are possible except…..”
The good fight of faith…is just that. A good fight………..of…………faith…………
Not a burst of a fight, and then……oh I give up. This sucks. I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore, this fight is hard…..
Maybe this is when some give in? Maybe they listen to the voice that says, “You’ve done all you can, it’s over, give up, you’ve had a long life, you can end the suffering now, you can go….”
I don’t know for sure what others think or feel or hear…but something in me says, “finish the race…..don’t stop…don’t give in….”
I know that both mom and Bob say that they’re not finished fighting. And if they’re not….neither am I. I will stand with them until they are cancer free.
They will not die but live to declare the works of the Lord. Psalms.