I am attempting to transition into being a productive member of society again…and not just a care-taker. I’ve been coming back to work, slowly. I put some time in on three seperate days last week. Put some time in…that’s about it. I’m trying to be productive here. (As I sit here at my desk and blog about why I’m not productive…)
I am fully aware that I will need to come back to work, be productive, earn a living, pay bills, etc…. I’m just still under this weird cancer cloud. Wondering if anything in life will ever feel like it used to; will anything feel like it has meaning? Maybe this is how it’s supposed to feel. Maybe everything should be viewed through these ‘not-so-rose-colored glasses’.
I need to remember that even though things at work are not life & death important (at least for the most part), they are still important. I can’t walk around like nothing matters if it doesn’t entail fighting cancer.
It’s just that…somehow when you walk away from this battle with cancer and realize you’ve survived it…you expect there to be some grand purpose to your life. Like, “OK God, we made it! Now what? What do want from me?” And maybe, just maybe…the purpose is to Just Live. Enjoy life.
Updates: Bob sees the BMT doc again tomorrow. Hopefully his blood counts are high enough to pull out the PIC line that is still in his arm. He’d love to be able to shower/bathe without wrapping his arm in plastic. He’s back at work partially too. Main concern: He’s feeling a bit depressed/frustrated/angry becasue he’s still so tired. “When will I feel normal again?!” (wanting to Just Live)
Mom is seeing her doctor tomorrow too. Says she’s going to tell him that she does not want to see the doctor downtown, she will not go on study drugs or experimental drugs. She is feeling a little better every day. She says, “The doctor doesn’t have anything else to give me, if they want to start with the experimental drugs…they’re done. So am I. It’s time for God to heal me.” I agree. (time to Just Live)
Spent a lot of time with her over the weekend. She is very tired, gets winded easily, but other that that…feels well enough to shop for and plant herbs.