i didn’t look up the dictionary definition for grief.  i know my definition.

anger, bitterness, pain – pain that i never knew existed and that i feel inside my chest, in my heart, in my gut…real physical pain.

doubt, confusion, denial, forgetfulness, acute awarenss of feelings and emotions…

dizzy at times, short of breath at times, scared at times, not sleeping, not eating…drinking too much wine

and above all else wondering, why?  how?  i don’t get it?  didn’t god tell us to believe and pray in faith and know that what we ask for will be ours?  as long as it’s not against His will.  wasn’t healing her His will?  did she not want to be healed?  was she telling us all along that she was finished/ready to go/done/tired of the fight? yes.  why didn’t we hear her?  if we would have heard her, would we have treated her differently? yes.  is that what she didn’t want? to be treated like she was dying.  but she was.  why didn’t we know?  did we know?  those voices that i kept hearing telling me that she was going to die…i ignored.  i thought that was an attack on my faith.  maybe i did hear, maybe it did defeat my faith?  should we have pushed in harder to god?  prayed more?  could we have changed this?  don’t i believe that prayer and faith moves gods hand?  yes, i do!  then why was god not moved?  why?

faith. it’s not true.  not true that way i thought it was to be.  maybe i know god a lot less than i thought i did.  is this a new relationship with god?  i hate grief.  i hate this.

but i will not take medication, i will not numb this feeling.  i want to feel every bit of this horrific, terrible, destructive, angry, sad, numb feeling.  i need to.

mom…i miss you so much.  i need you still.  i wasn’t finished with you.  where do i turn now?