what i miss

I was thinking about going to a movie this weekend. But it’s hard to do things that I used to do with her….without her. Which lately seems like EVERYTHING.

I miss that mom could go to a movie with us and get SO MUCH ENJOYMENT out of a movie, large popcorn with extra butter and a coke.
I miss that she could get so much enjoyment out of a trip to Big Lots…and a bargain.
I miss how she stopped at every end-cap in ANY store we were in, trying to justify a needless purchase because it was such a deal.
I miss her cooking.
I miss her phone calls every day (all 8 of them). I even miss the calls that started with, “Well….I don’t know why I called this time…”
I miss her infectious laugh.
I miss her arguing with dad. He doesn’t seem to be arguing with anyone right now.
I miss going to church with her and watching her sing, and clap out of sync.
I miss how she squeezed every ounce of life out of life. She really did.
I miss her generosity. She would give any of us, everything she had…with a smile and a genuine longing to give it.
I miss going to the grocery store with her, even though I do not really enjoy the grocery store…and I was annoyed with the amount of time she spent going up and down every single aisle to look at every single thing.
I miss her.

Rusty says, “I always thought I was her favorite”, sort of as a joke. But really, mom made each one of us feel so special. What a gift she had for being so much to each of us. (and…I was obviously her favorite Rusty!)
I wonder if she misses us? Not that I want her to feel this pain, and not that she’s capable of feeling this pain in heaven. But…is it selfish to want her to remember me, to think of me, to miss me just a little? Because somehow that connects us. Somehow if I think of her still thinking of us…we’re still in this thing together.

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