Wrote this friday night:

Trying to change my perspective. Trying to TRUST God again. Grief has wrecked havoc with my life…and I DON’T want to allow this anymore. (problem being….I sort of have no control when it comes)

Grief has been like a relentless tidal wave. I just get my bearings, just get my footing, then ‘holy cow here it comes again!’. Before I know it I’m turned upside down, flopping around for a bit, not able to feel secure, not able to get my footing…tossed all over the place. I hate it. I feel completely helpless in every area, weak, lost, confused and unsure of every decision.

But I KNOW THAT those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
(I’m trying to trust him again, had a weird bout with “can I trust Him?” after mom died, related to that grief tidal wave thing. I need some strength though, so I’ll have to work very hard on trusting Him.)
I need God’s help. I need to trust Him. I need to be able to turn things over to Him again, and believe that He will take care of me. I lost that trust. I lost that secure feeling with Him. I need it back. Wow, this is hard.
Sort of feels arrogant not to trust God with my life. I mean, if I can’t trust Him who can I trust? I surely don’t want to walk through life feeling like everything is on my shoulders. I have to give myself back over completely to Him. I need to feel safe with Him again.

Sunday morning at church, one of the Pastors came to me and gave me a card and said, “The person who gave this to me told me they wanted it to be anonymous.”  Weird…that never happens.  The card said “Here is a little something for you….(a few personal things)…and Isaiah 40:31 This is the season that HE IS renewing your strength.”  It also contained a $100 bill.  🙂