Sunday. New church, new people to sit by, new songs – that I don’t know or sing yet (hate this the most), but the same ol’ me. The same issues that I’ve been trying to work through for 4 years. Why is Bob still sick, why is life still hard, why do I still feel sad?
Then the message is preached – and it’s like a light in the darkness. What do I do when there’s nothing I can do?
God knows. God cares. God isn’t absent in the quietness. God isn’t angry with me for struggling. God isn’t apathetic toward my plight. God loves me. God is big enough to handle my doubts. I will be blessed if I do not mis-interpret Him during this time.
I’ve prayed, I’ve believed, I’ve cried and turned away. I’ve been confused, angry and I’ve been apathetic toward Him. I’ve tried everything. And guess what? Sometimes, it’s not about what I can do or what I can say or how I can feel. I’ve done it all, all that I can do. The situation remains.
“Pray – God will fix it!” Not fixed yet. “Fast – you’re not praying ‘good enough’.” Not fixed yet. “Sometimes God wants this so you have the ‘thorn in your side’ to remind you.” That doesn’t help at all.
There is just nothing I can do. Control-freak me is still wondering, “Is there REALLY nothing I can do here??”.
So what I can control is ME.
I need to focus on the fact that God loves me, He understands me and what I’m going through, and I cannot stumble/mis-interpret HIM during this time.
Conflict remains – I still believe that if I PRAY & BELIEVE – anything I ask for….
BUT now I’m submitting to – there is nothing I can do, that I haven’t already done. So chill.
Life is hard. God is still good.
And at least I’m starting to hear Him again.