i spent a lot of time with dad over the past few days.  He, Paula and I drove to Teresa’s grandpas funeral in New Mexico.  The drive was nice, barring the rain, fog and blizzard like snow.  Dad shared some wisdom with us, stories from his past and a bit of frustration/anger.  I don’t know why he’s so mad.  Everything angers him.  I sometimes wonder if the anger is from greif over mom…but I don’t think so.  I think he’s always been a ‘glass half empty, or not even half…I bet it’s two thirds and some silly son of a so-and-so is trying to convince him it’s actually half!…instead of half full sort of guy.

When pressed, he would comment on the beauty of the scenery.  So he CAN see good.

I would hate to live like this.  I asked him yesterday – when he starting cussing about traffic, construction on the road and then doctors-why he was so mad at everything.  He had no answer.  We were sitting at a red light and he told me he was going to run it, “these lights are the stupidest things, I don’t know who set these, somebody’s making money off of this and I don’t understand it…” 

I tried to stop him, “Dad!!!  You can’t do this, you’re breaking the law!” 

“I’ve been around awhile! Don’t you worry about me, I can see when it’s safe to go!” And go he did.  Grumbling and cussing the whole time.  Speeding up a bit to beat the cars coming our way, you know the ones that had the green light.  Jerks!

Why is he so angry?  Certainly can’t be because he was stopped at a red light.  We were in no hurry.  Was it that red light telling him what to do?  Heaven forbid anyone or THiNG tell him what he can and can’t do!  No red light is going to stop him!!!

Lord, give me patience, I think I’m going to need it.

  

We, my sister Paula, daughter Aimie, and I, started a blog after mom died entitled mydadiscrazierthanyourdad.wordpress.com
Not that we think he’s crazy, ummmm well….anyway it was meant as a way for his kids and grand kids (me, since I’m the only one posting) to share “funny, annoying, frustrating” things about dad with each other.  Personally, it helps me to get it written down, read it back, then have a bit of compassion for the old crazy one. 
This post should be on that blog, but maybe they’ve merged in my head (crazy dad, good fight of faith-seem to go together) so they’ll merge in the blogosphere.
“These kids is gonna have bad eyes and cavities from these ipads!”  He’s now convinced that Blake’s recent visit to the dentist revealed cavities from ipad usage.  He swears he saw it on the news.  It has nothing to do with the fact that dad gives Blake cookies and ice cream after every meal. Breakfast and lunch dessert at G-Pa’s house! Not cavity forming.  Video games are the culprit.

Stopped by dad’s house on way to work, dropped off some leftovers, listened to Him recite his morning routine, went to work.
Driving home from work, phone rings, it’s Him;
“Well where the hell have you been? Where are you now?!” He sounds rather agitated.
“I was at work today, I’m driving home now.”
He laughs, “Oh. Well let me tell you a funny story about my day.”
He proceeds to tell me detail upon detail of his day. 
One of those details, “I tested my oxygen today and it said 76 or 79…I think it’s broken.  I’ll test one of the boys tomorrow and see what they read, maybe I need batteries.”
How do you convince that man to wear oxygen?
Maybe if his oxygen levels were normal he’d remember I work.

Bob saw the bone marrow transplant doc and kidney doc last month, both tell him that he is great…No sign of disease.  Very good news.  Bob has been attending mid week service at church, and had a revelation last week.  “Kim, I’m healed.  I need to
start living like I’m healed!”
And he has been living lately.  Working on the basement remodel, socializing more, and just being more alive. 
Now that he’s decided that he’s not sick, maybe it’s time to change our prayer requests; instead of praying for healing I think we should pray for renewed youth.  Why not? Didn’t Moses keep his natural forces his entire life? (that sounds like a good thing), and Abraham have a son very late in life?  Why can’t Bob, healed Bob, have a renewed youth?
I think that’s what I’ll hope and pray for.

Just took a quick trip to St. Louis to see my high school girl friends and my niece’s first “big girl” apartment.  Fun, exhausting trip.
On the flight home (small plane) the flight attendant , as usual announced, “The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign so you are free to roam about the cabin…But should you stay in your seats please keep your seat belts firmly fastened.”
Maybe I’m just really tired, but where would one ROAM in an airplane cabin?  Roam?! Really?
I realize this is a random post, but it got me thinking….maybe we should choose our words more carefully.  Instead of roam; maybe stand, stretch your legs, use the lavatory, but roam…. aimlessly about?
Yes, I’m tired, and didn’t really plan on roaming anyway.  But I will start thinking more about MY word usage, should I confuse anyone else into roaming.

Mom and dad were bird watchers, and squirrel watchers.  Dad still puts peanuts out every day for the squirrels and birds.   He says he knows every animal that shows up, even named one squirrel Red.
The day after mom died two doves came to his back yard.  He pointed them out to me.  “I’ve never seen them before, they’re new.  Do you think your mom had something to do with this?”  I said yes.
Spring is upon us again, and we are all thinking of mom.  Her favorite time of year.  I sat on dad’s porch this week and watched the new generation of toddlers running back and forth.  I asked dad, “What do you think mom would have thought of these kids? Do you ever wonder if she can see them?”
Before he could answer, two doves flew up and landed alarmingly close to us on the porch.  We pointed them out to the kids.  Dad says, “Look, there are your grandma’s doves!” They moved to a tree and stayed for a bit, watching over us.
Is it strange that I feel comfort from those doves?

Bob and I have been working on remodeling our basement.  After a few pipes burst, and then discovering that our basement floor was sinking due to some poor backyard drainage issues – we decided to turn a disastrous situation into a good thing by remodeling our entire basement/back patio.

I’ve had more than a few workers in and out over the weeks and have heard myself on more than one occasion respond to suggestions, “It’s just a basement.”  I am trying to stay budget conscious and really do not want to use the most high end fixtures or finishes.  It’s just a basement.

So yesterday while Bob, dad and I were painting and I overheard Bob respond to my dad when he thought he’d messed up a bit, “Don’t worry it’s only a basement.”  My entire basement  perspective changed.  

This morning I was reading about Caleb and Joshua going to spy out the promised land for Moses.  10 other men said (paraphrasing), “We’ll get our butts kicked!  We can’t take this land!  These people are giants!”  Caleb said, “Let’s go!  We’ve got this!”  

Perspective.  Caleb was adjusting his attitude, his perspective from a place of great faith.

Whether it’s just a basement, or a huge battle to take your promise it’s all about perspective.  I hope I keep my perspective grounded in faith.  And…good paint choices.  🙂

  

Does everyone’s relationship with God, or for that matter with anyone, have an ebb and flow?
Definition:
: a condition or rhythm of alternate forward and backward movement or of alternate decline and renewed advance

 Saw an old friend this past weekend and had a wonderful visit.  Upon leaving I asked, why don’t we see each other more?  Why does a relationship take so much work.  Does my relationship with God take so much work, too?  

If so, am I up to the task, am I putting in the work that is required? I would say over the past few years no.

Mom’s been gone almost 3 years. I’ve missed her. That relationship didn’t take work. The funk I’ve been in over losing mom (and the myriad of other losses I’ve suffered) have caused me to ebb, and have taken me away from God. I ebbed, and I should have flowed. I retreated, I fell back. I was tired, scared, confused, and just lost. All excuses that I readily used to fall into this backward movement that I’m experiencing. Is it time to advance again? I’m praying that God will pull me into that place where I need to be, closer to Him. I want to experience a new relationship with Him. Where He can flow.

Marriage is hard.  Sometimes I think I want something out of it that may just be impossible. Doesn’t God tell me all things are possible with Him?  So I’ll keep on hoping.
But just to vent, I do not want to be the strong one in this relationship forever.  I understand that there was a season of necessity.  I stepped up when I had to.  But is this strength and perseverance meant to be constant now?  And if so, can I do this? (Ummm, chest pain?)
Sometimes I just want someone to take care of ME.
Done venting.  Will pray more, pray that God steps up
and comforts me. He has before, He will again.
The chest pain….still here, not as bad.

Wednesday started like any other day, except for that nagging weird chest pain I was ignoring.  By about lunch time I couldn’t ignore it any longer, and after the persistant prodding from my sister and daughter I decided to leave work.  I just wanted to go home and ignore the pain, they wanted me to go to the Emergency Room.  

Half way home, driving through a snow storm, I became more short of breath and a little light headed and thought maybe  I should just drive to the ER.  I started to pray out loud and calmed myself a bit, deciding to just go home and relax.  At home, the shortness of breath wouldn’t leave, the pain stayed constant.  I started to freak out a bit, “Holy crap, I think I may be having a heart attack!”  I took 2 baby aspirin (the only aspirin we had in the house) and tried to remember what else to do in case of heart attack.  All I could think was RELAX!!

Bob had been home sick all week, and he was stationed in his usual spot in his recliner with all the curtains pulled.  Monday he’d spent all day at the doctor’s office getting IV fluids – he’s sick again.  Always sick again.  So, maybe the fact that Bob had been sick again, and I had dreamed the night before that I was at his funeral consoling everyone, should tell me that I was holding some stress in a bit.  Was Bob giving me a heart attack??

Aimie came over, the pain was worse, the shortness of breath not gone.  I was very light headed.  She told me that she was taking me to the ER, and this time I didn’t argue.  As we drove through the snow that was falling heavier, I listened to her giving my dad instructions on what  to do with the kids, when to feed them, how to arrange Nick picking them up….and I had to tell her, “Shhhh, just drive and don’t talk please.”

They triaged me pretty quickly into a room, “Chest Pain in room 10!”  I saw that my blood pressure was 160/100 and thought, “Holy crap, I think I may be having a heart attack!”  2 EKGs, cardiac enzymes, clotting tests, chest X-rays,  a stress test and lots of IV Morphine later – by the way IV Morphine is good stuff!! – they were sending me home with a diagnosis of pleurisy (inflammation of the lining of the lung).  They don’t have a reason why, but the good news is – no heart attack.

For a breif momement while laying there on that stretcher, being poked with needles and hooked up to oxygen and EKG leads I thought about my mom, “She hated this.”  And I cried.  I was afraid and I wanted her.  I wanted to tell her how much I hated that she had to go through that, I wanted her to tell me it was all going to be okay, I just wanted to cry.  Aimie was very good, very calm, and she prayed for me.  She comforted me and I stopped crying.

So now I’m home, on anti-inflammatory medicine and pain pills.  Bob is still sick, and sounds like he’s coughing up a lung.  I can’t deal with that.  My dad told me yesterday that he fainted, I can’t deal with that.  And there are contractors here working in my basement – BANG! BANG! BANG!

I’m trying to relax – BANG! BANG! BANG!  I’m going to take another pain pill.