Dec 28, 2011

When I decided to blog, it was to share what we’re going through; and also because writing it  down seemed to help me.  If I write down what’s happening, I can look at in on this page and somehow decide how to deal with it.  It seems to leave ‘me’ and become an inanimate object sitting there on the page…one that I can stand back and look at from a distance.

I said that I’d share it all “puke all over these pages” I think I said.  Well, in the spirit of sharing – here I go puking it out all over the pages again, because it’s not over yet.  

Christmas was supposed to be a wonderful family celebration, but it wasn’t everything we’d hoped for.   Had a few hiccups.

We rented a gorgeous house in Vail to spend the weekend before Christmas in; the whole family was supposed to go.  Mom and dad backed out at the last minute.  They didn’t come with us because mom’s blood counts were low and she felt more comfortable staying home.  It felt like cancer was taking away our Christmas trip.  Bob had been diagnosed with pneumonia the week before we went and he spent most of the weekend in bed.  A few of us (me included) came down with some sort of bug.  I felt like crap most of the weekend.    

Upon returning home, we broke the news to mom that we couldn’t see her because we had all either come down with, or been exposed to some sort of cough / cold and didn’t want to infect her.  So we spent Christmas week quarantined to our separate houses.   hiccup

Jordan had an eye procedure on Tuesday the 20^th…he has been diagnosed with some weird eye condition that could lead to blindness if not treated.  He underwent an experimental treatment that was not covered by insurance, was very expensive and was incredibly painful.  Now we wait to see if it worked.  hiccup

Katie found a new rheumatologist; the good news is that she finally has a diagnosis.  The bad news is that she has a diagnosis.  There is a treatment and  she has started her medications.  The answer to prayer is that the new doctor was wonderful, empathetic and very knowlegeable concerning this disease.  We are blessed to have found her.   

Bob had a doctor’s appointment on Thursday the 22^nd — Katie’s 24^th birthday.  He woke up that morning with swelling.  BAD swelling.  His ankles, his lower extremities, his lower abdomen and (puking it all out here) his testicles.  OUCH.  OUCH.  OUCH.  I hate seeing this disease!  hiccup hiccup hiccup

We told the doctor when we got there, they weren’t surprised.  The doctor told us that the cancer is not responding to the chemotherapy.  The swelling is a symptom of the cancer getting worse.  The blood tests show that the cancer markers are DOUBLE what they were before starting this new treatment.  OUCH.  OUCH.  OUCH.  The doctor talked to us about changing treatments AGAIN.  They are contacting the Mayo Clinic (again??) to discuss Bob’s care.   They say, “Another bone marrow transplant is probably best”.  Bob says, “Let’s just do it”.  I say, “Oh God no.  Why?”   They decide that we will discuss the plan after the holidays, so we can go home and enjoy the holidays with our family.  (family that is all sick, and quarantined to different houses)  hiccup

As I sit in the waiting room while Bob makes his next appointment my cell phone rings…it’s Bob’s other doctor, the one treating the pneumonia.  “Kim, we’re looking at Bob’s chest x-ray and it’s actually worse than last week.  And with the newly developed lower extremity edema we think Bob needs to go have an echocardiogram to rule out any heart failure.”  hiccup

“What?”  is all I said.  Then I half listened while he explained the details of the test.  I’m numb.  Feel like I’m being knocked down.  We left the bone marrow transplant office, quietly numb.

So Bob and I decide to just wait it out.  Watch the swelling and try to ignore the cancer that seems to be shoving itself down our throats…again.  We’ll wait for the heart test to tell us NOTHING IS WRONG with his heart.  We’ll wait until after the holidays to discuss the next step in the cancer treatment.

So we spend the Christmas week with this news, quarantined away from mom and dad, fighting this stupid chest cold and pneumonia and swelling and cancer…

Work continues, which is helpful.  Got a call Friday the 23^rd, one of our jobs was shut down by OSHA – first time in the history of our company that this has happened.  Still trying to digest everything else that’s happening, now this too?  Just another hiccup…

Our banker calls because the 5 year loan on the commercial property is due for a refinance, he calls to say the appraisal hasn’t come back ‘where they wanted it’.  So the refi may not occur without a large financial hit to us.  hic…yeah – you get it.

Funny.  Everything seems to be falling apart, but now that I write it all down and look at it…it’s not that bad.  When I look at it on this page I become very aware that God is bigger. 

I remember watching swelling come and go before.  I saw cancer come and go before.  I’ve seen arthritis healed.  I’ve seen eyes healed.  I watched our business suffer before.  God is bigger.  God is bigger than whatever I can puke out on this page.  He covers it.   If I can just focus on Him and not these hiccups… 

I guess it’s a good time during this Christmas season to think about what Jesus really came here for.  To save us.  SAVE us God.  You’ve done it before, you will do it again.  Thank you. 

We have so much to be thankful for.  We really do.  And in the midst of this storm we will hold onto the ROCK that doesn’t move.  God doesn’t move, we put our faith and hope in the immovable God. 

“thus far the Lord has helped us”  “we will not be disappointed”    This isn’t over yet.