our story part 1

saturday the 12th of May…we called 911 because mom passed out at home.  she convinced us and the paramedics that she was fine.

she asked Paula and I to stay the night.  we did.  at 230 am on sunday, mother’s day, dad woke me and said, “your mom needs you, she needs help getting up to the bathroom.”  I helped her.  she was weak, she complained that her knees hurt, her legs were hurting.  my mom didn’t complain.  my mom never complained.  after putting her back to bed, i stood next to her and rubbed her forehead.  i kissed her on the forehead.  like she had done for me my whole life.  when i was sick, or sad, or tired…she placed her hand on my forehead and pushed my hair back…kept her hand at the top of my head and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.  that was her thing.  and at 245 am on mother’s day i did the same to her.  told her i loved her and asked if she was going to be okay.  she said, “No.  Do you think i should have gone to the hospital today?”

I told her no, if she didn’t feel that she needed to go she wasn’t supposed to.  then she said, “Kim, I think you need to call the doctor.”  I told her that if i called him, he’d send us to the ER and they’d admit her.  She said, “I know.  I think i need to go now.”

I called her doctor, and he told us to go.  When I went back into the room I helped her up, she said to me, “Kim…will you help your dad with the insurance and all of the bills?”  i said i would.  thinking that she was telling me to help with the ER bills/insurance.  I know now that she wasn’t talking about the ER.  she was talking about the plethora of bills and insurance EOBs that we are dealing with now.  the ones that look just like Bob’s…but they say Barbara…and Barbara is not here to take care of those bills now.  I am.  that’s what she was asking me.  if i’d have known then i would have said NO MOM…NO…DON’T GO.  Don’t leave us mom.

i won’t be able to tell this story in one post.  maybe not in 10.  i’m not totally ready to share everything with everyone.  that’s why my posts are protected.  I will unprotect the posts…i will let everyone who has asked “in”…in.  but please don’t give me empty words back.  don’t respond with words.  just pray for us.  pray for me…that God will help me.  that he will hold me.  i’m falling down, and He is the only one that can lift me.  when i’m ready.  now….i’m not.  i’m in a bad place and for some reason i feel that i need to be here.  it would not do justice to what i’m going through to leave this place now.  i want to feel every ounce of it.  i don’t want out yet.  i want all of it.  i want it to tear me up…so that when i leave i can rebuild without tearing down again…i don’t want to have to come back and finish anything.  i need to get it all now.

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