There should be some sort of policy that the health insurance companies abide by that makes them STOP sending those annoying Explanation Of Benefit (EOB) forms to a persons house after they die. Dad has received no less than 100 of those forms. They not only detail what amount of money the insurance has paid and what amount dad is responsible for BUT also every single event that took place the final 24 hours of mom’s life in the hospital. So, because I am the designated child to help with the health insurance bills…I get to read everything over and over and over again. Acute myeloid leukemia, fever of unknown origin, sepsis, lower extremity pain, shortness of breath, respiratory distress, ventilator, atrial fibrillation, cardiogenic shock, etc etc etc etc
It seems unfair. Like so many other things in my life right now. unfair.

Can someone send me an EOB detailing why? Why did this have to happen? Why is my mom gone? OK…it may help to know that she didn’t want to fight like she did last time…but why did it have to come back? We live in a fallen, cursed world. the ruler of this world is satan. our enemy. does that help? i don’t know. Maybe it starts to help to think more eternally and less worldly. But I still live here. I miss her. I miss her so much. It still hurts, it’s still so painful.

I think maybe I am moving into another phase of grief. I don’t wake up and cry every single morning anymore. I still cry a few times a day, but not the shoulder shaking – sobbing – can’t breath cry. So now I feel sort of guilty for moving past that, sort of like “what’s wrong with me? why have I stopped crying? I can’t move on yet.” But why can’t I? What am I waiting for? Do I think that if I stay in that horrible place she’ll come back and pick me up? Can someone explain this feeling to me? Where is the insurance company now with all of their Explanations….

I’m also past this phase:
For awhile I hated Bob. Hated him because he was still alive and mom was gone. Hated him because he’s not strong and supporting anymore. Hated him because he’s just someone that i have to take care of right now. Hated him because he stopped being my husband and became my patient again. Hated him because he complains more than my mom EVER did. Hated him because….because he’s not mom…because she’s gone and he was an easy target.
I also hated him because he was grieving her loss. Maybe harder than I was! How dare he! She was MY MOM, this was MY LOSS. But…Bob knew mom for 25 years. 25 years! They had a special relationship. Mom sat at Bob’s bedside every single day of his horrific hospitilization in 2004, she read aloud from the bible every day. She didn’t leave him. She loved him. She respected him. She fought for him. She stood by him as he walked away from death, she encouraged him. She prayed for him this time and told him, “Bob, you will live.”
So when I watch Bob grieve, and cry, and pull away now…I listen to him. “She was my mom too.” I guess she was. I guess I need to find a way to let this help me and not let it pull us apart. Not there yet…but at least I’m not hating him anymore. I am starting to feel compassion for HIS loss. But just barely. Not totally over this yet.

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