I used to like math. Everything made sense to me 2 + 2 ALWAYS = 4 It’s all black and white. We don’t have to guess. There IS an answer. ALWAYS
I’m not really sure of anything anymore. 2 + 2 … does it equal 4? Unwavering Faith + God’s healing touch should equal mom being here. But she’s not. The inverse is true in this case.
Stan was saying the other day, with his engineer brain…”It seems like the further away from mom’s death we get, the easier it should be right? Then why do I feel worse? Why is this getting harder?” He’s right, shouldn’t it get easier? The more time that elapses away from a horrific event should somehow dull the impact of that event…right? Then why is the pain not more dull? Why is it still so sharp, maybe even at times more sharp?
Prayer + Faith + God’s Will does not always equal healing. But that would mean that everything I’ve ever believed is shattered now. I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. I refuse to believe that this was God’s will. I cannot believe that. If I do…why do we pray? Isn’t it a little sadistic? Pray in faith and you receive. Nope. Pray in faith and believe…and you get whatever I give. I give, and I take away. I’m sorry God…but I’m so hurt and confused.
Was mom praying the same thing as us? Or not? If mom was praying for healing, and believing for healing, then was she disappointed? Was she betrayed? Hurt? That’s how I feel. Betrayed, hurt, alone, unloved.
What if mom was not praying for healing, what if mom was saying “I don’t want to fight.” (because…ummmm HELLO she was) BUT…hold on a minute. We were all praying against that, telling her that we’d fight for her. That we would hold her up. Didn’t that count? But what if it doesn’t count? What if God only listened to her? What if He told her it was her choice, her fight? Why did she not fight?
Nothing makes sense right now. Maybe this is ‘new math’.