I was off yesterday and went to mom and dad’s house for the day. Helped dad pay the last of the medical bills (we think) and balanced his checkbook again for the 64th time. He’s confused. Mom took care of the checkbook, the bills, the house, the grocery shopping, the laundry, everything as far as I can tell.
Dad’s a little lost. We all are. As I sat on the porch swing that we bought her for mother’s day, (the porch swing that she never got to sit in or even see) and looked out over her backyard I thought about how different it would look if she were still here. There would be flowers. Lots of flowers. But there aren’t. There is basil and sage and a few tomato plants…she planted those the week before she died. She kept saying, “I’m buying flowers after mother’s day weekend, I can’t wait to buy my flowers.” But the only flowers are the peace lilies from the funeral. Yuck.
Still trying to read this book called HEAVEN. I guess it’s supposed to be helping me. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. I’m not really sure what helps. I am trying to pray. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
God is in control. He will do what He will do…and we will live (or die) with that. I just never doubted that He would heal her of this. Now I doubt everything. Will Bob die too? I guess we’ll see. That too is in His hands. Why pray? It feels like it doesn’t matter if I pray or not. Nothing really matters.
I will continue to try to pray; because I think I’m supposed to. I still love God and I know He still loves me. It’s the faith thing I’m a little confused about. I think I’m supposed to continue to trust God. Even though I trusted Him for something really big, that I thought was His will, that I did not receive…I think I’m supposed to continue to trust. Is this faith? Trusting no matter what? This is hard. But I guess I’m going to have to trust Him to get me through it. I have nowhere else to turn. So maybe this is how I learn a new level of faith.