I spoke to someone today…someone from back home in St. Louis. This person asked me how things are going, I replied with just a few of the things that I feel are leading me down a path to nervous breakdown:
-I think my dad is getting Alzheimer’s, he’s been confused lately and it’s a bit scary
-We’ve gotten my niece into counseling
-I’m setting up an appointment to start seeing my own counselor to help cope
-There are a few issues at work that are unbelievably stressful…one involving a law suit
-Bob is still seeing the Bone Marrow Transplant doctor every week for the Graft vs. Host disease that he’s developed from his AUTO stem cell transplant (still sick every day)
-We are trying to sell a house that a renter TRASHED (Oh…that renter was a family member)
-I have been sick with a sore throat and head cold all day…trying not to get sick!
The response? “Well you’re a strong person, you’ll get through it.”
Why is it that I hate people telling me that I’m a strong person? Why don’t I get to have a break down, or run away from it all, or have someone rush to my side to help me, hold me, hug me, cry with me??
Nope. I get “you’re strong, you can do it.”
What if I’m not so strong? What if I can’t do it?
I’m trying to believe God. I’m trying to have faith that He will hold this together…or He will allow it to fall apart in a safe place. A place where He will pick up the pieces. Where He will hold me, He will be by my side. I’m trying very hard to feel Him near again…right now I just feel very alone.
God, please be with me. Please allow me to feel you near. I want to be in your presence, I want to feel your strength. I need you.