Just when Bob is supposed to be getting better, seems like he has taken a step backwards. He’s pushed himself too hard, so typical of Bob. Now he feels sick, puking again, back hurts, thinks he has a hernia. When does this end? I realize I’m not the one who is physically suffering these things…but when does this end? I feel like running away. Aimie asked what I wanted for mothers day, I told her I think I want to be left alone. But not yet.

Spoke to mom this morning, she didn’t sound quite right. Went to her house, she was a little “off”. Said her leg hurt, was numb. Then her arm was numb, then her lips. I did a quick neuro check…all good. She had an appointment at the hospital for her chemo (day 6 of 7), dad had just returned from airport picking up Rusty, we piled in the car and all went. Mom needed to ride up to the infusion center in a wheelchair. Not normal for her. Chemo went well, her blood counts showed that her calcium was low….could be reason for numbness.

We gave her extra calcium tablets when she got home. She seemed a little better, still just very weak. Aimie, Paula, Rusty, dad, Nikki’s girls, Connor, Blake and I were all at her house. Said our prayers, sat with her, listening to praise and worship music, watching kids play. Mom went to bathroom, came out and was sort of stumbling….said something incoherently about passing out…then fell into the wall.
Aimie jumped up, grabbed her, Paula came out of nowhere and was behind her…I heard myself telling them to lay her down gently. The boys came running into the hall as if there was a dog-pile they were missing out on; Rusty grabbed kids and pulled them back, locked eyes with me while he was opening his cell phone, I nodded, “Call 911 now!”

Mom was out cold, dad was crying (said later he thought she had died!)…Aimie told Haley, “Get the anointing oil”, Haley did so…
Paula, Aimie, Haley and I sat on the floor and anointed mom and just started praying and thanking God that she was going to be okay. Mom woke up uttering words of thanksgiving to God. “Thank you God, I’m okay, thank you God, I love you Jesus, I’m okay…”
Paramedics were there in what seemed like seconds, “We’re right around the corner” they said as they started assessing her.
Mom was up in a chair getting vitals taken, telling us all that she would not go to the hospital before I could even wrap my head around what was happening.
The ambulance left, and mom asked if we would make sure someone stayed the night.
Paula, Aimie and I are here…staying.

Rusty landed in Denver, went to the hospital with us, then was calling 911 all within 6 hours. After everything settled down, he and I drove to get food. He mentioned that the tension level was palpable….I told him that we’re all just on the edge.
The edge of what?
Can I jump?
Will I be caught?
Do I care?
“we’re right around the corner”

God help us.

Bob day +17…mom Dr visit

Aimie stayed all night with us last night.  She slept on the couch next to Bob’s recliner.  I slept in my bed all night….like a rock!  Thank you Aimie.  Katie will stay all night this weekend.  A good nights sleep sure helps.

Yesterday it felt a little like I was “on the edge”.  The edge of what? Sane and insane?  Sleep and awake? Fear and faith?  Where ever I was it was not comfortable.  A full nights sleep later…all good.  Funny that nothing around us has changed; Bob still has bloody eyes, we still drive to the clinic every morning for counts and doctor visits, still fighting cancer.  What changes is inside.  Something in me rises up again.  Faith, God, the Holy Spirit?  Is it all just sitting there under my fatigue…and when I lay it all down and cry out “help!” it surfaces again.

I am going with mom and dad to see her doctor.  The plan was to start the horrific chemo injections again on Monday.  My question…is it working?  Mom seems so tired, and her blood work is still showing cancer.  Does she need to go through another round of this if it’s not working?  Stan was over last night…he has the same questions.  But the doctors just don’t know.  God knows.  When do you stop getting beat up by chemo?  Is it always such a fight?  Can’t we have one of those miraculous healings?  How about cancer just goes away now?  Can we lay down our weapons and still win?  Or do you have to fight all the way to the end?

Just wondering….but I still believe.  If God says we can have what we have faith for (as long as it is His will—-which healing is) then we will have healing.