Just when Bob is supposed to be getting better, seems like he has taken a step backwards. He’s pushed himself too hard, so typical of Bob. Now he feels sick, puking again, back hurts, thinks he has a hernia. When does this end? I realize I’m not the one who is physically suffering these things…but when does this end? I feel like running away. Aimie asked what I wanted for mothers day, I told her I think I want to be left alone. But not yet.

Spoke to mom this morning, she didn’t sound quite right. Went to her house, she was a little “off”. Said her leg hurt, was numb. Then her arm was numb, then her lips. I did a quick neuro check…all good. She had an appointment at the hospital for her chemo (day 6 of 7), dad had just returned from airport picking up Rusty, we piled in the car and all went. Mom needed to ride up to the infusion center in a wheelchair. Not normal for her. Chemo went well, her blood counts showed that her calcium was low….could be reason for numbness.

We gave her extra calcium tablets when she got home. She seemed a little better, still just very weak. Aimie, Paula, Rusty, dad, Nikki’s girls, Connor, Blake and I were all at her house. Said our prayers, sat with her, listening to praise and worship music, watching kids play. Mom went to bathroom, came out and was sort of stumbling….said something incoherently about passing out…then fell into the wall.
Aimie jumped up, grabbed her, Paula came out of nowhere and was behind her…I heard myself telling them to lay her down gently. The boys came running into the hall as if there was a dog-pile they were missing out on; Rusty grabbed kids and pulled them back, locked eyes with me while he was opening his cell phone, I nodded, “Call 911 now!”

Mom was out cold, dad was crying (said later he thought she had died!)…Aimie told Haley, “Get the anointing oil”, Haley did so…
Paula, Aimie, Haley and I sat on the floor and anointed mom and just started praying and thanking God that she was going to be okay. Mom woke up uttering words of thanksgiving to God. “Thank you God, I’m okay, thank you God, I love you Jesus, I’m okay…”
Paramedics were there in what seemed like seconds, “We’re right around the corner” they said as they started assessing her.
Mom was up in a chair getting vitals taken, telling us all that she would not go to the hospital before I could even wrap my head around what was happening.
The ambulance left, and mom asked if we would make sure someone stayed the night.
Paula, Aimie and I are here…staying.

Rusty landed in Denver, went to the hospital with us, then was calling 911 all within 6 hours. After everything settled down, he and I drove to get food. He mentioned that the tension level was palpable….I told him that we’re all just on the edge.
The edge of what?
Can I jump?
Will I be caught?
Do I care?
“we’re right around the corner”

God help us.


Today was day two of chemo for mom. Aimie went with her, dad was there too. He’s there every day…every minute. He thinks it’s his job to be there every minute of her treatment. In sickness and in health, til death do them part.

Though he is “losing his mind – crazy – driving me up a wall” according to mom; he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing. He is her husband. He is her partner. Crazy, losing his mind..good, good, man. He is there for her.

Katie, Jordan and I went to dinner tonight. Ordered bread pudding for desert and took it to mom. We hung out with her for a bit. She told me that Bob had called her today. And told her that he loves her. Made me cry a bit. I don’t know why..I know he loves her. She cried a bit too. Bob’s not the most emotional person, meant a lot to her.

Mom is getting decadron as a pre-med to her chemo. It’s a steroid that is administered to aid in anti-nausea treatment…and it also makes her feel GREAT. She is eating better and generally in a good mood due to the decadron. She told the nurses that she’d like decadron for mothers day. They said they’d take care of it for her.
Decadron for mothers day….what a gift.

For Christ’s Sake….

Mom started her day by getting a new PIC line. Bob had his pulled last week…she got hers placed today. “For Christ’s sake…when will this end?” She says that a lot.


I went to the doctors appointment and chemo with her today. Doctor says, “You look much better than your blood tests say you should!”. We told him we were ignoring the numbers…and just living one day at a time. He told mom, “It’s working for you, keep it up. We will pay attention to you and not your numbers”.

I sort of had a bad weekend. I’m a bit crabby. “For Christ’s sake when WILL this end?” Just tired of it all. I’m confident that we will be okay…really I am. But wow, when do we get a break.

Marilyn Hickey preached Sunday. The message was about God being attracted to our weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:10 -Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, ….. For Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So what really stuck with me was the “for Christ’s sake” part of that. I’ve read -and really feel that I’ve lived – the ‘when I am weak then I am strong’ part of that. I know that God is strong in me, stronger than me, shows up and lifts me when I’m weak, carries me through when I feel that I can’t walk it out, holds me, comforts me, and just basically is my strength when I feel that I have nothing left. But, I really never focused on the part about taking pleasure in infirmities for Christ’s sake. I don’t know if I’m there yet. I don’t know if I can take pleasure IN IT…maybe I’m still working on finding any pleasure during it. I mean, for Christ’s sake….I guess I can work on it.

God doesn’t need chemo

While Aimie was texting me from moms doctors visit….that was a text that made me laugh. God does not need chemo. Nope. He doesn’t.

I’m still feeling a bit under the weather, sore throat. Today Paula woke with one too. So Aimie accompanied mom and dad to the doc to get her biopsy results.

I’ll just copy the texts that we sent:

Aimie: pray for peace, gma anxious about results
Me: peace that passes understanding. Do we trust God? Ask her
Aimie: I know. Judges 6:23
Me: yes!!! Just looked in bible, have that line hi-lited. Peace be unto Barbara….she shall not die. Her faith has healed her.
Aimie: amen. She’s reading bible on my iPad. Psalms. Pray for gpa too.
Me: sing His praises, we walk in victory. Walk in confidence.
Aimie: gpa speaking in fear. I rebuke that. We speak life
Me: lift your head up, our deliverer draws nigh.
Aimie: amen. Hosanna to our king
Me: we do not fear bad news
Aimie: I am excited, we are getting good news today
Me: gma is a child of God, a daughter of the king. I pray peace to all of you. Peace in that room. Pray when you go in…peace flooding that room. And you
Aimie: amen amen. Praying, having gpa speak the word too. We feed on the word daily and out of our mouths we speak truth.
Me: amen
Aimie: do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (Jn 14:27)

Aimie: temp 99
Aimie: b/p 118/64
Me: praise Him….He is worthy

Aimie: amen. PRAY
Me: haven’t stopped
Aimie: maybe worse….but we walk by faith
Me: marrow worse????
Aimie: worse or same.
Me: god still in control. Not the chemo, not the doc. She feels better, God is moving.
Aimie: yep. Amen. To God be the glory
Me: she ok?
Aimie: I think….doc speaking life.
Me: amen
Aimie: doc agrees with me, says she looks really good, tests not lining up with how she looks. I told him she’s healed. He agrees.
Aimie: gma told doc Bob was healed without any chemo. He got better and cancer left after chemo.
Me: yes, god doesn’t need chemo
Me: that’s funny…god doesn’t need chemo
Aimie: yeah, on way home now

So, we are not afraid. Mom not afraid. Ever since that morning when she woke up and said “something’s different”. We believe that something changed. God is moving. We don’t need a test to tell us she’s better. She is better.
The doc wants her to “keep doing whatever it is you’re doing….keep up this attitude…you really do look great. I was worried about you, but you look so much better.”
He told her he’d call for some consults from the doctors downtown…Bob’s doctors. But she thinks that the tests will eventually line up with what we know. She is healed.
We will not fear.