2015. I didn’t make resolutions, or revolutions this year. I just decided that it’s time for a change, period. I’d like to go back to that faith I had before mom died. Life is depressing if you are not close to God. For me anyway. I suppose once you’ve tasted that intimacy with God, nothing else satisfies. Not His fault I don’t feel the same, I’m sure it was me. And I can’t wait for life to be “Good” again before pursuing that level of relationship again, I just need to dive in. So I’m going to start with this — read my bible every day. A little or a lot, just something everyday. And pray more. Say anything to God, just keep the conversation going.
Also, it seems to help when I write, so I’ll be doing more of that. It may not always be pretty, but here goes.

Those who trust in The Lord will find new strength.
I want NEW strength. If I believe the Bible, that means I’ll have to trust in The Lord. Okay.
Not so easy to learn to trust again after being beaten down…? let down…? disappointed in Him…?
But here’s what I’m seeing around me, everyone is let down and disappointed if they allow it. Why would I think that I wouldn’t have trials and tribulations here on earth? Why do I get to escape that? I don’t. I live in a fallen world. This world will have pain. My choice in whether I let that continually effect me is MY CHOICE. I can choose to wallow in what has happened, and be sad, offended and EFFECTED by it (feeling justified in my anger because…hey! look what has happened to me!!) OR i choose to trust in The Lord again, and find new strength.
The choice is obvious. The Choosing every day to trust Him is the work. It shouldn’t be this hard, but sometimes it just is.
Today I will trust you God.

Hard to believe it’s August of 2014. Dog days of summer, as mom used to say. My head seems full lately, so I thought I’d start writing again.

A few weeks ago Bob told me that he’s been praying for God to take him. He was very upset, crying and telling me that he’s just done. “I’ve asked God to heal me for so long, and I just started praying that if He’s not going to heal me I want Him to take me.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I immediately went into nurse mode, assessing whether this was venting or having true suicidal tendencies. I asked serious questions trying to gather enough information to diagnose him. I encouraged him to go see someone. I called Aimie over and we (she) prayed for him.
I don’t know how to help him anymore. I have been praying for healing for 10 years too. I’m tired too. I don’t want him to die, but I don’t have any answers. It’s such a bizarre feeling to listen to your husband cry to you that he wants to die…and be numb. Am I walking through life numb?

I guess it’s time to get serious. No more grieving, no more pity. It’s time for me to get my relationship with God straightened out.
This year I made a decision to work on relationships, to reach out and see people again. Connor called it my “New Year’s Revolution”. The revolution has gone well so far. I’ve visited friends in St Louis, I’ve been to see Jill in Florida, I’ve gone to Alabama to see family. I’ve been reaching out to friends here, I’m saying YES to invites. All good.
Except for the relationship that matters most. I guess I’m still sort of keeping my distance from God. Will need to work on that one. I’ll start with reaching out to Him in all honesty – I guess I’ve felt like He’s failed me. (sort of the same feeling Bob is having?) I wasn’t really angry with Him, so I thought I was “safe”. It wasn’t anger, it was disappointment which is worse maybe.
Me disappointed in God. Who do I think I am?? I get to judge God now? I felt betrayed by Him. I did everything I was supposed to do, and He didn’t do His part. This sounds so selfish now. The grief of losing mom – and the grief of losing Bob (that’s what it feels like) all mixed together with life’s normal stress was too much. So for over 2 years now I’ve backed away. I’ve made unhealthy choices. Not disciplined in reading my Bible, or writing, or eating, or drinking, or socializing, or…or…or…or…anything.

Slowly but surely it’s all falling back into place. And last week when I went to church and heard a message about feeling betrayed by God. BAM – it hit me. Yes, I felt betrayed. So I backed away. Why stay close to someone who would betray you?! But this isn’t a good place to be. I’m not saying I’m living in gratuitous sin & debauchery – I’m just not where I NEED to be; and all signs seem to be pointing in the direction to get me back there now. It’s time to stop ignoring the signs.

So I’ll start over with God. A new relationship. Not sure what ups and downs this one will take, but I know I’ll get back into a relationship with Him and I start by forgiving Him – by asking for forgiveness from Him. I have to try to go beyond the betrayal, and trust Him again – I think that starts with forgiveness.

Oh – and Bob’s not suicidal, just overwhelmingly discouraged. He needs to work on things too. He’s seeing someone and it’s helping.

I survived our second session of marriage counseling. I don’t like it, makes me more aware of my feelings. Maybe that’s the point, but maybe I don’t like my feelings.
I think Bob feels like the counselor is grading us, I don’t care if he is. Bob lists the things that he can do to “be a better husband” and the things he’d like to see in me to be the ” better wife”. I don’t care about us being better at our roles, I care about us being better period. I think we’ve still got some healing to do. He physical and Me emotional.
The counselor suggests that we write a paragraph or two about our spouse. Here’s the catch – write what it has been like to be your spouse for the last few years, from your spouse’s perspective. Should be interesting.
Oh, and one more thing, there is a plant in the counselors office that has one very long branch. This long branch has been secured with staples ( not kidding) along the edge of the ceiling around one whole wall of his office. And this infuriates me. That may be my clue that I need to keep going to counseling.
“Irrational anger: as evidenced by hating a common house plant “. Yup.

January 26th, 2014
2014! Where has the time gone?

Haley called yesterday and asked if I could give her a ride to a friends house. She came over and sat for a bit. I fed her and we talked. She is going to stay with a friend, the friend she had been living with got kicked out by her mom….therefore Haley is now homeless again. How bizarre that my 18 year old niece is essentially homeless. Floating from couch to couch, living with God knows whom. I hate it. But can’t fix it. She’s basically living her mother’s life.
If mom were here Haley would be living with her. Or if mom were here Haley would be living with her mother, who wouldn’t have run off to live with God knows whom… Every relationship she has is broken.

Just finished a time of fasting and prayer with my church. My prayer? I think just for clarity, and a deeper relationship with God again. I want to feel Him near. I think what I learned is that I’ll need to move closer to Him and that this relationship will require work. I started marriage counseling with Bob to work on that relationship…is there relationship counseling with God?
If broken relationships are to be mended, I Guess I need to start with God.

So I decided to spill my feelings onto the page last night about self-pity.  Then I wake up this morning and read my Daily Devotional.  “You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent.” It’s ok to complain to God, but “Complaining to others is another matter altogether.  It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage.  Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out.”  OUCH!!

I’ve been trying to read my Bible again, trying to read my devotionals again and trying to hear from God again.  I think He just schooled me.

Thanks God. 

 

Haven’t written in awhile. Sometimes I just don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I should.
If i do write and try to get all of this crap out of me and onto this page, does it relieve me of the weight of it? Maybe.
Bob still seeing the neurologist, is on antidepressants and will soon start a memory-helping drug. He’s also seeing speech and cognitive therapist weekly. Helping? Don’t know. Because I’m in a weird quicksand of feeling sorry for myself because I don’t have my husband back yet.
And to be honest, I just don’t want to be his nurse anymore. So if he’s seeing the right doctors, and therapists…can’t I just take a break?
Well. There. Do I feel better? 🙂
God please stay close. I need you to reach down and pull me out of this quicksand.

Dad had carpal tunnel surgery yesterday. Paula went with him, then took him home and Aimie stayed the day with him. I went over after work and stayed until 10 pm…he’d been in bed since 8:30 so I figured I was safe to go. Still felt weirdly guilty leaving him alone.

I miss mom.

Dad sometimes states that he feels like a burden. That makes me sad. He’s not a burden, and there are enough of us to share the load even if he sometimes requires help. Isn’t that what family is for? And besides, he would, AND HAS done the same for all of us.

Last night Connor asked me (as only a five year old boy could), ” Gram, when they cut Pa’s hand off…what did it look like? Did you see the blood?”
I explained that I wasn’t there, Aunt P was. (And yes, told him Pa didn’t have it cut off.)
“But Gram…you’re always the one that goes to the hospital aren’t you?”

I guess I WAS always the one to go to the hospital. But I’m learning to share the load. It’s better when we work as a team. Still some members of Team Gregory that I would trade though….
Ohhhhh but that’s another post. And I’m trying not to complain, remember?

Had brunch with a dear friend today. A faith filled woman of God. She gave me Good advice: take care of myself and don’t give up on God.

Simple but true. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to fix everything and help everyone else that I forget to take care of me.
And though I’ll be more involved with helping Bob get through this next leg of the journey, I’ll take care of me too.

It seems that anyone and everyone can share their problems with you, but not many share encouragement. Why?

Is everyone so beat up? Yikes

God help me to be an encourager, not a whiner. Life does have GOOD in it, we just need to look for it. Help me to see the good, and to share the good.

True story: I listened to a few people lately who were complaining to me about life problems. My first reaction was, “wow, it sounds good to hear someone else’s problems and not focus on my own.” Horrible first reaction, but then I realized … “Hey! We’re supposed to be over-comers, so let’s overcome!”

I need to focus on good stuff, so I can help others to do the same.

Luke 22:32
But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not:and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.