Thank you all for listening to my whining.  Thanks to you who responded and let me know that we are not alone.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

There are resolutions to the litany of issues that I rambled off the other day (in my puking session).  Katie feels better, Jordan is better, the building got appraised again…evidently they measured wrong.  (really?)   Our job finishing up without incident, and SAFELY.  My chest cold/virus is clearing up…I even visited with mom without fear of infecting her.

Mom’s counts are recovering nicely.  She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and they will dicuss her next bone marrow biopsy date.  We suspect that will be some time this month and we also suspect that it will show NO CANCER.  So mom will be finished (again),  and hopefully once — no twice — and for-all.

Bob will see his doctor in 2 weeks to discuss his next step.  Bone marrow transplant?  We’ll see.  He doesn’t feel well.  He’s pretty emotionally beat up about it all.  Speaking about death.  yuck, yuck, yuck!!  I told him today that I want him to be strong, I want him to fight to live and that if he gives up now I think I’ll be mad at him.  (just being honest)  I want him to keep fighting, I don’t want him to give up yet.  Is that selfish?  Do I care if it is…

I guess that no matter what problems / issues / concerns we have….they will be resolved evenutally.  I’m just trying to patiently wait for those resolutions,  and trying not to whine anymore.

I heard a story once; a young boy was walking home from school and found a quarter.  He was so excited to have found this quarter and thought to himself, “If I keep looking I might find more money on the way home!”  He walked the rest of the way home, searching the ground for more coins…becoming a bit disappointed that he wasn’t seeing any more money.  Upon entering his house, his mother noticed the frown on his face and asked what was wrong.  “I found a quarter, but then didn’t find anything else….”  His mom asked, “How many quarters did you have this morning?  And how many now?  Count your quarters.”

Resolving not to whine: I’ll focus on the positive and count my quarters.

Dec 28, 2011

When I decided to blog, it was to share what we’re going through; and also because writing it  down seemed to help me.  If I write down what’s happening, I can look at in on this page and somehow decide how to deal with it.  It seems to leave ‘me’ and become an inanimate object sitting there on the page…one that I can stand back and look at from a distance.

I said that I’d share it all “puke all over these pages” I think I said.  Well, in the spirit of sharing – here I go puking it out all over the pages again, because it’s not over yet.  

Christmas was supposed to be a wonderful family celebration, but it wasn’t everything we’d hoped for.   Had a few hiccups.

We rented a gorgeous house in Vail to spend the weekend before Christmas in; the whole family was supposed to go.  Mom and dad backed out at the last minute.  They didn’t come with us because mom’s blood counts were low and she felt more comfortable staying home.  It felt like cancer was taking away our Christmas trip.  Bob had been diagnosed with pneumonia the week before we went and he spent most of the weekend in bed.  A few of us (me included) came down with some sort of bug.  I felt like crap most of the weekend.    

Upon returning home, we broke the news to mom that we couldn’t see her because we had all either come down with, or been exposed to some sort of cough / cold and didn’t want to infect her.  So we spent Christmas week quarantined to our separate houses.   hiccup

Jordan had an eye procedure on Tuesday the 20^th…he has been diagnosed with some weird eye condition that could lead to blindness if not treated.  He underwent an experimental treatment that was not covered by insurance, was very expensive and was incredibly painful.  Now we wait to see if it worked.  hiccup

Katie found a new rheumatologist; the good news is that she finally has a diagnosis.  The bad news is that she has a diagnosis.  There is a treatment and  she has started her medications.  The answer to prayer is that the new doctor was wonderful, empathetic and very knowlegeable concerning this disease.  We are blessed to have found her.   

Bob had a doctor’s appointment on Thursday the 22^nd — Katie’s 24^th birthday.  He woke up that morning with swelling.  BAD swelling.  His ankles, his lower extremities, his lower abdomen and (puking it all out here) his testicles.  OUCH.  OUCH.  OUCH.  I hate seeing this disease!  hiccup hiccup hiccup

We told the doctor when we got there, they weren’t surprised.  The doctor told us that the cancer is not responding to the chemotherapy.  The swelling is a symptom of the cancer getting worse.  The blood tests show that the cancer markers are DOUBLE what they were before starting this new treatment.  OUCH.  OUCH.  OUCH.  The doctor talked to us about changing treatments AGAIN.  They are contacting the Mayo Clinic (again??) to discuss Bob’s care.   They say, “Another bone marrow transplant is probably best”.  Bob says, “Let’s just do it”.  I say, “Oh God no.  Why?”   They decide that we will discuss the plan after the holidays, so we can go home and enjoy the holidays with our family.  (family that is all sick, and quarantined to different houses)  hiccup

As I sit in the waiting room while Bob makes his next appointment my cell phone rings…it’s Bob’s other doctor, the one treating the pneumonia.  “Kim, we’re looking at Bob’s chest x-ray and it’s actually worse than last week.  And with the newly developed lower extremity edema we think Bob needs to go have an echocardiogram to rule out any heart failure.”  hiccup

“What?”  is all I said.  Then I half listened while he explained the details of the test.  I’m numb.  Feel like I’m being knocked down.  We left the bone marrow transplant office, quietly numb.

So Bob and I decide to just wait it out.  Watch the swelling and try to ignore the cancer that seems to be shoving itself down our throats…again.  We’ll wait for the heart test to tell us NOTHING IS WRONG with his heart.  We’ll wait until after the holidays to discuss the next step in the cancer treatment.

So we spend the Christmas week with this news, quarantined away from mom and dad, fighting this stupid chest cold and pneumonia and swelling and cancer…

Work continues, which is helpful.  Got a call Friday the 23^rd, one of our jobs was shut down by OSHA – first time in the history of our company that this has happened.  Still trying to digest everything else that’s happening, now this too?  Just another hiccup…

Our banker calls because the 5 year loan on the commercial property is due for a refinance, he calls to say the appraisal hasn’t come back ‘where they wanted it’.  So the refi may not occur without a large financial hit to us.  hic…yeah – you get it.

Funny.  Everything seems to be falling apart, but now that I write it all down and look at it…it’s not that bad.  When I look at it on this page I become very aware that God is bigger. 

I remember watching swelling come and go before.  I saw cancer come and go before.  I’ve seen arthritis healed.  I’ve seen eyes healed.  I watched our business suffer before.  God is bigger.  God is bigger than whatever I can puke out on this page.  He covers it.   If I can just focus on Him and not these hiccups… 

I guess it’s a good time during this Christmas season to think about what Jesus really came here for.  To save us.  SAVE us God.  You’ve done it before, you will do it again.  Thank you. 

We have so much to be thankful for.  We really do.  And in the midst of this storm we will hold onto the ROCK that doesn’t move.  God doesn’t move, we put our faith and hope in the immovable God. 

“thus far the Lord has helped us”  “we will not be disappointed”    This isn’t over yet.

Woke up at 5:00 AM, singing Frosty the Snowman in my head.  hmmmm.  I hope that’s not a diagnosable indicator of mental illness.  🙂  As I lay there and hummed the tune I thought about old Frosty.  “A jolly happy soul…Alive as he could be.”  Not a bad example.  I’m going to try to work on emulating that this Christmas Season.

Bob has developed a cough, sounds pretty bad.  He went to the Doc yesterday and got a chest x-ray because it may be pneumonia (AGAIN).  He started antibiotics and we’ll have chest x-ray results today.  He seems to go through a fight with pneumonia at least 2 times every year.  He still doesn’t swallow very well (residual from the brain damage 7 years ago)…I think he aspirates.  BUT if he can take the antibiotics and get better I’m not going to worry about it.  What does worrying help anyway?

Mom had round 2 of chemo and as we all expected her counts have dropped.  BUT not as bad as I thought they would.  She’s actually doing very well.  We shopped for 2 hours on Sunday, she watched Tebow lead the Broncos to another victory (yelling and screaming and jumping up and down the whole game) and seemed perfectly fine.  If I didn’t know she was fighting cancer….I wouldn’t know.  (you know?)  But I think she’s scared.  We have a family trip planned to Vail this weekend.  Have been planning it for 3 months.  She just informed me that she’s afraid to go.  ??  I’m confused.  I’m trying very hard to not break down.  I want to be the one yelling, screaming and jumping up and down yelling at her (at cancer?) “don’t let fear run your life!  don’t let fear tell you what to do!”

We should be like Frosty.  “O Frosty the Snowman, WAS ALIVE AS HE COULD BE, and the children say he could run and play just the same as you and me.” 

I HATE CANCER.  Can’t wait for it to melt away.

 

It was supposed to be VERY COLD in Denver last night.  Like -5 degrees cold.  As I went to sleep last night I prayed for people to stay warm, prayed that there was shelter for the homeless and that those who were required to work outside were kept warm and safe.  Seriously.

I woke up this morning and it’s 54 degrees in my house.  My furnace is broken.  Called my dad (thank God my mom and dad answer their phone at 4:35 AM on the second ring).  Dad had just fixed Paula’s furnace earlier this week; thought he’d come over and work his magic on ours.  No luck.  We need an HVAC repair man.  I’m waiting here in my very cold house for a return call from the 3 messages I’ve left at various companies around town.  brrrrrrrrr…..

Bob was up early too, but had to be at work at 6:00 AM to check on a job that is starting.  So he’s leaving it up to me.  I’m waiting for the phone to ring – it does.  It’s Jordan who is at the office, and guess what?  The furnace at the office is not working.  It’s COLD there too.  He’s going to start some space heaters there and we’ll wait for the repair man to call me about my house and we’ll see if he does commercial work as well.  Seriously. 

My fingers are cold as I sit here under 3 blankets and type….and wait for the phone to ring again.  Heat is a good thing.  A roof over our head, a warm bed, a refrigerator full of food and family who answers their phone at 4:35 AM are all good things.  I will try not to take them for granted.  I will try to appreciate the things that I have.  Like HEAT.

But, seriously?

Mom finished cycle number two, all five days.  Dad took her.  She  called every day when chemo was over to tell me how it went.  On Wednesday she said, ” it was very depressing”.  I asked why.  She said, “those people are sick.”   

I think we are ‘those people’.  We are people that spend time in Oncologist’s offices.  We are people that sit in chemotherapy treatment rooms.    We are people that other people say “those people are sick” about.  We are those people that think about death.  We are people that have to…we deal with cancer treatments and blood counts and kidney function tests and biopsies.  We are those people that look at every cold or virus as it may be something that ends up in a hospital stay.

Mom quickly stated, “But I’m not sick; I’m not like those people.” 

Because we are trying to be those people that appreciate life.  We are those people that try very hard to enjoy every little thing, like – cooking a meal together, watching a movie in our PJs, eating ice cream out of the container, driving our grandkids through neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights, laying in front of the fireplace and watching Christmas Movies…just doing anything that seems like living and not dieing.

Mom is finished with chemo, and will have a bone marrow biopsy next month to tell us that she is cancer free.  So we can go back to being those people who don’t spend our time in cancer centers.  well…I mean don’t spend our time in two cancer centers.

Mom saw doctor wednesday.  He said “you are exeptional” to her.  I agree.  Her blood counts are coming up, the cancer counts are going down.  He keeps telling her that she has done “just wonderfully”. 

If her white blood count, red blood count and platelet count are just a tad higher by Monday the 21st she will start her second (and she says final) round of chemotherapy.  Doc told her that she will do better this time than last time because she is starting this round ‘in a better place’ than last time.  She is healthier as she starts this time.

The doctor left the room to take another call while we were in the exam room…says “excuse me I have to take a call from Dr. Matous”.  Dr. Matous is Bob’s doctor.  We told him to say hi for us.  Weird.

Thursday Bob had his second chemo injection.  His sister Mary is in town and she went with him.  He’s doing well.  The steroids that he gets with the chemo make him feel GREAT.  Like Superman Great.  He had chemo, worked all day, went and played 2 soccer games, went out with the team afterwards, got home at 11pm then woke up the next morning at 5AM to work out before going to work all day again.  I wish he could take the steroids every day!   

All in all both Mom and Bob are doing wonderfully.   thanks to everyone for the prayers!

 

Woke up thinking (admittedly…worrying) about work / business / money.  So I reached up and grabbed the corner of the Talit that hangs on my headboard.  I cover my head with it and start to pray.  “God take away this worry, take away this fear.  Why am I so confident that cancer is beaten in our family, that Bob & mom will not die but live and declare the works of the Lord…but then freak out about our provision?” 

Seriously, am I less concerned about the fight with cancer in my mom/my husband than with the financial status of our company right now?  Not logical. 

When your faith gets raised up in one area…are you vulnerable in another?

I hear the word ‘covenant’ in my head.  I sit up and start looking through my bible…is the tithe a covenant promise between me and God?  We tithe, we give, we plant financial seed.  We believe that God will bless us because we commit the work of our hands to HIM.  so why do I wake up and worry about our business?  Covenant / tithe.  Can’t find them connected in my quick ‘bible study’.  I see that God tells me to “test him in this”.  I have, I will.  I see that the tithe is HOLY.  Hmmm.  Interesting. 

I get up to walk.  The trees are barren now.  No leaves left on the trees at the park.  They’ve given up the fight, they’ve let go of the dead leaves.  Waiting through the winter, waiting for the new life to bloom.

I’ve planted my seeds (finances).  Am I waiting through the winter to see the harvest?  The law of planting and reaping is true.  I’ve planted.  I will reap….in season.  How long does this financial winter last??

Help me Lord, I don’t want to worry.  I want to feel your hands under us, I want to see you holding us up.  I need to bolster my faith, move my shield from the fiery arrows of cancer and death to also protect me from the fear of famine.  You will provide.  Jehovah  Jireh – God our provider.  Still.

Bob’s 4^th — FIRST CHEMO treatment was today.  (4^th time we’ve started new chemotherapy in the past 8 years)

This one seems easier, all out-patient treatments and the docs say the drugs are all well tolerated. 

Velcade – Decadron – Revlimid      21 day cylces

Day 1 through Day 14 he takes a pill (Revlimid)

Day 1 & Day 8 he also takes another pill (Decadron) and gets a shot subcutaneously (Velcade )

Day 15 through 21 he’s off.

Bob seems fine with it all.  Not scared.  Just wants something that will make him feel better.  He’s just tired all the time.  He says, “If this one doesn’t get rid of it I’m gonna tell them to give me something stronger again…like another bone marrow transplant, or whatever they have that is the strongest….”  Oh God help us.  I don’t want to go through that again, please don’t make us.

Some good news regarding today’s chemo…the cost of ONE of the drugs is $7,000 per cycle.  The pharmacy had us complete a survey, and a questionnaire that had to go through the drug company and the insurance company and the results:  we have NO CO-PAY!   When a good day = not having to pay for your chemo…you are an optimist.

Speaking of optimism, my mom saw her oncologist yesterday.  She is a month out from her 1^st treatment.  (yes…1^st treatmen of her SECOND round with chemotherapy)  Her counts are finally coming up.  Platelets up, Hemoglobin/Hematocrit up, White Blood Cells up.  The doctor is VERY happy with her.  She will probably begin the next round Thanksgiving week.   We pray that the second round goes as well as the first did…we’d even take BETTER than the first. 

That’s it for the update.  Thanks to all who are following & praying for us.

Walked this morning.  Noticed the trees.  Most have no leaves left, but I noticed that some still do have leaves, dead leaves.  Why do some hold on longer than others?  Am I holding on to something that I shouldn’t…should I be letting go so that the season can change, so that I can “die” and come back new next season? 

I find myself asking, “What do you want from me God?! What do you want?” To whom much is given much is required.

“What?  What is required??  What do you want?”

All of me, he wants all of me.  He’s got it.  God, show me what I haven’t let go of…show me what I need to surrender.  I will, I will surrender ALL.  Please show me.  I want to shed all of these dead leaves to make room for the new LIFE that is to come.

 

November 7, 2011

Mom is neutropenic (has very low white blood cells), therefore is susceptible to infection / illness.  She’s on precautions that state she stay away from any person who is sick or who has been around sickness, stay away from crowds, stay away from children (who carry germs like a Petri-dish), not eat any fresh fruits or veggies,  take her temperature daily and report anything over 100.4.  So far so good.  She’s on quarantine.  She hates the fact that she hasn’t been able to get out, and states that she’s fine…just bored.

So Bob, Katie, Jordan and I decided to go buy some board games this weekend and take them to her.  We also bought puzzles.  A 2000 piece Sistine Chapel puzzle, or as mom calls it “the expert-rated puzzle”.

As we started to assemble the puzzle I watched everyone.  First we collected the edge pieces and put together to frame the puzzle.  Easy enough.  Then we each tried to decide where to focus next.  Katie seems to be the puzzle genius.  She has a method, a vision, a desire and drive to knock out sections at a time.  She’s pretty obsessed with it.  (Sunday morning before church I called mom to see how she was feeling and Katie was already at her house working on the puzzle)

Paula, on the other hand, says that she’s not a ‘puzzler’.  It doesn’t hold her interest.  Katie asked her with anticipation in her voice, “Once it’s started, doesn’t it just make you want to finish it though?”  Paula says no.  She could walk away and not come back. 

Mom, is sucked in by it, but can’t seem to put it all together, says, “Everything runs together, it hurts my eyes when I stare at it for too long, but I can’t keep away from it.” 

Haley, like a typical 16 year old, started to get involved then decided that there was something better on TV in the other room.

Dad just walks into the room occasionally and looks at us, “You’re not finished yet?” then laughs and walks away.

I’m somehow a mix of all of them.

This puzzle will take a while to finish.  It will take dedication.  It will take desire.  It will take us picking up these little pieces over and over again and twisting them, pushing them into place, and experiencing the thrill of victory when a piece fits or the agony of defeat when it doesn’t.  

My life feels like “an expert-rated puzzle” right now.

How do I put it all together?  Am I constantly twisting the pieces of my life to see if it all fits?  Can I throw some of these pieces away? Or must I squeeze and push them into the picture that will become my life?

Hmmmm….puzzling.      I still trust you God.  Puzzled, but trusting.