Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.     
~ Psalm 37:7

Wait Patiently.  Like 8 years??  I’m trying.  I sometimes think I’m doing well, too.  I talked to our doctor’s office the other day to get some thyroid blood results on Bob.  The nurse that works with our doctor apologized to me.  She gave me the normal results and I said, “TSH is normal then?  No increasing of the synthroid?  Ok, well I thought maybe that was why he’s been so tired.”      All she replied was, “I’m so sorry Kim.”

Yep, me too.

Patience means I don’t cry, scream, holler, throw things….I just say, “Oh I’m fine.  It’s okay.”  Inside I’m not fine, I’m not okay.  I’m angry and I keep thinking – ‘why does bob act so sick all the time even when the blood tests are normal and mom acts so well even when her blood tests are wacked?”

I don’t have the answers.  But I wonder…..

Does Bob have a spirit of sickness on him?  Something on him telling him all the time “you’re sick”.  And mom has a spirit of faith telling her “you are going to be okay…”?

Don’t know.   Can’t figure it out.   Working on that patience thing though.

Patience (in the dictionary) =

lack of complaint  (not always free from complaints here…for the most part?  but every once in awhile…I’m trying)

persistence  (do I have a choice?  persistence and perseverance John G. told me once a long time ago….a loooong time ago…..still going – that’s persistence right?)

fortitude (makes me think of strength.  I am weak.  God is strong.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Be strong God.  I need you to.)

serenity  (not always serene here…but working on my quiet times with God again.  that still small voice is still there.)

tolerance (NO  I will NOT tolerate it.  why should I tolerate cancer, Sickness?! No, I won’t.  tolerate feels like acceptance to me.  I do NOT accept.  period.)

I think it all comes down to that “BE STILL IN THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD” part.  So I’ve got to remember, it’s not all about the patiently waiting…it’s about the patiently waiting while I’M STILL (quiet) in HIS presence.  Take me there God.  Take me into your presence.  I will wait.  And you will move.

Psalm 23

YES THOUGH I WALK…

Do I have a choice?  If I don’t walk I go nowhere, I stay here.  In this muck, Yuck!  I have to walk through it.  There’s no other way to get out of it.  There’s no way out unless I put one foot in front of the other and continue on this journey.  YES a journey.  And there is no running through it.  No quick way around it.  It is a journey and I will walk through it because I must.

THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Are there peaks and valleys in everyone’s life?  There certainly are in mine.  And this is one long valley; that I seem to have to cross through again.  I want out.  This valley is covered with shadows, darkness, death.  The shadow reaches across my walk, my life.  I want out from under it.  I want to be in the sun again.  Is death so close that it casts its shadow over my life?  Is it so close that I keep walking through its shadow?  It seems that everywhere I walk, it is there.  I see brief glimpses of the sun and then it’s back…that shadow.  I want the sun, the light, to push away the shadow.  I keep searching for the sun, I keep looking UP.

I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME!

I will resist this fear.  I will resist this evil.  I will resist because I know you are with me.  Never leaving me or forsaking me.  You are the lifter of my head.  You surround me.  You are my strong tower.  I can scale any wall.  I am able to turn from fear because you are here with me.  Connor stayed with me this week.  In the middle of the night he woke and said to me, “Gram, I’m afraid of the dark!”  I immediately responded, “You don’t have to be afraid Connor, Gram’s here.”  He snuggled up to me and buried his head in my shoulder, “Okay Gram.” And fell back asleep.  I want to ‘snuggle up’ to God and know that I don’t have to be afraid.  He’s here.  There’s no reason for me to fear.  Though I’m walking through this valley…I won’t allow fear to guide me.

Mom finished her 1st cycle of chemo.  She is awesome.  She’s a rock!  She says she feels better than she did a week ago.  She has not lost her appetite, is not sick, is not losing hair, is not suffering with diarrhea, and is generally GOOD.  She speaks encouragement to the rest of us.  She says frequently, “I’m going to be fine.  I’m going to do 2 cycles and then it will be gone.” 

We went to get her blood drawn this morning and I asked her if she wanted to get results…she declined.  “I already know I’m fine, why do I need a blood test to tell me how I feel.”  🙂

She’s walking by faith, not by sight.    She laughs, she reads, she eats Snickers Ice Cream bars, she walks up and down the street, she enjoys every day.  She wants to buy mums for the backyard “even if they only last 2 weeks…I get so much enjoyment out of them.”

She is LIVING!  Bob – watch her!  Speak as she speaks!  LIVE as she LIVES.  Bob YOU are ALIVE.   LIVE.  Stop waiting for cancer to return, stop waiting for death.  Life is for the living.  (Life is to be lived)  (Life is for those of us that are still alive)  either way — LIVE BOB, LIVE.

THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH ARE IN THE TONGUE.  Speak LIFE!

October 11, 2011

Woke up early this morning, before the sun was up and prayed.  Then started to cry.  Not out of fear, not out of doubt or unbelief…just because.  Just because I hate that this is happening to our family.

Mom’s fighting cancer again.  Bone marrow biopsy last week showed leukemia.  Saw the oncologist yesterday and it looks like we are getting ready to start this fight again.  Chemotherapy to start as soon at they get approval from the insurance company.

We know this fight.  (too well)  We arm ourselves AGAIN with the sword of the word.  We speak life into this situation.  Cancer we resist you…you must flee.  God promised us that healing is ours.  Jesus, the SON of God, promised that by his sacrifice we are healed.  We can believe in the promises of God.  I believe this. 

So why do I cry?  Why does it hurt so much?  Why do I feel like “come on, enough is enough already”!   I battle my flesh and my emotions, knowing that God will answer and God will strengthen us again for this fight.  I ask Him “did we not learn something the first 2 times we battled cancer in this family?  What do we need to learn from this?  Can you help us to learn what we need to so we can move THROUGH this once and for all?”

I stopped crying, got out of bed and decided to walk while the sun was rising.  Got dressed, left the house and proceeded toward the park.  It was still dark.  Where is the sun?  As I walked I prayed.  “I surrender God.  I surrender all; all to you God.  I surrender.”

The street lights were still on, it was a little bit eerie.   There is a bend in the sidewalk that leads between two very tall pine trees.  For a brief moment I felt afraid of the dark, afraid of this path…”where is the sun?”  I kept walking and held my head high, I’m not afraid.  The sun will rise.  The sun WILL RISE.

I will walk through the dark again if I have to because I know the SON will rise.

 Malachi 4:2 But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in His wings.

Connor and Blake call me Gram.  Or at least they did call me Gram up until about a month or so ago.  Now when they see me they yell, “Grammy!” or in Blake’s case (he is “G” challenged at the moment) “Dammy!”

My heart absolutely melts when they call me Grammy.  It is sooo sweet, sooo special.  Gram is fine, but Grammy is personal (they thought it up by themselves), and affectionate, and just so darn cute.

 They still occasionally call me Gram, or Gram-a-lama-ding-dong when Connor is being silly.  (Is this where I insert that they’ve grown fond of “idiot!” when they’re angry??  I heard one of their favorite cartoon characters using this lovely one…they pick up EVERYTHING!)

Grammy seems to be reserved for the following:

1. When they haven’t seen me in a while they yell, “Grammy!!!” and run toward me at full speed as if to tackle me.
2. When they want something from me they put on their sweet voice, “Grammy, can I have that Star Wars Lego set I saw on the TV?”
3. When they’re snuggling up to me at night before sleep and have the almost-asleep groggy voice, “I love you Grammy.”

It is my favorite term of endearment.  Gram is the everyday name, Grammy is the special one.

We had a slumber party last night.  As I lay in bed sandwiched between Connor and Blake – or should I say early this morning, like 3:30 AM early – I thought about the names that they call me.  Most slumber parties include Blake’s 3:00 AM strawberry milk request.  Blake’s soft voice wakes me with “Dammy, I need strawberry milk.”  Even though I don’t like being awakened at this hour, it seems palatable when it is with Blake’s soft, sweet, slow “Dammy”.

I retrieved the strawberry milk, watched Blake grab for it with eyes still closed, and suck it down.  While I lay there trying to fall back asleep, I thought about my relationship these two precious boys, and about my relationship with God.  What do I call God?  Do I call him God mostly, Father when I need something, Lord when I am in trouble….?  Do I have different names for him?  I do, but why? How do I decide what to call Him?

Marilyn Hickey has a book, “The Names of God”.  I think about my names for God.  Healer, Provider, Comforter, Strong Tower, Father, Holy…but what do I CALL Him?

What makes him feel the way I do when I hear “Grammy”?

8.22.11

Hebrews 10:23 (New International Version)

23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful

HOLD on.  Don’t swerve.  HOLD ON.  He is faithful

Even if I freak out and stand on top of a mountain and yell, “I can’t take this anymore!  I’m having a nervous breakdown!  I’m not strong enough for this again!  I need help!  Please, someone hear me!  Help me!!  Anyone?  Anyone?”    Bueller?  Bueller? 

No one answers ….

So where do I go?  Who can I turn to?  I am a talker…when I have a problem I usually need to talk it out with someone.  But I feel that I’ve ‘talked’ everyone close to me to the limit.  Yikes–I’m even sick of listening to me.  So I turn to the One who I know is limitless.  He always listens. 

And when I turn to Him, and talk/yell/complain/cry to HIM…a strength inside of me rises up.  God in me?  It is so hard to find that strength again and again and again.  Every day.  Every minute.

So many things pushing it down…life.   But I will HOLD ON.  I have no choice.

I’ve been thinking that I need to CHANGE my thinking.  I will take every word captive…so to speak.   Or actually – so to think.  I need to ENCOURAGE myelf.  I will do so with the word of God.

So I came across this picture.  We created it when mom was in the hospital fighting leukemia, we hung this poster on the wall and EVERY day wrote a new word-of-the-day.  We thoughtfully, prayerfully decided on these words every day.  We used these words to focus our minds.  We wouldn’t focus on cancer, illness, symptoms, chemotherapy, death…we instead CHOSE to focus on these words. 

So today I will start again.  I will focus on LIFE, and not worry about death.  Word of the day –>  ENCOURAGE

Job 16:5
my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.

Today was a bad day, I cried most of the day.  I finally ended up realizing that I was just feeling sorry for myself.  Thank you God that YOU don’t have ‘pity parties’. 

I woke this morning to Bob telling me that he was sick, and sick of being sick.  He then listed his symptoms.  Long list.

This fight feels differently than the last fight.  I don’t want to fight.  BUT I want the fight to continue, I want the fight to go on…I want there to be a victory and I want to collect the spoils.  I just don’t want to be the one fighting.  I want Bob to fight.   That doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen.    Bob wakes up with ‘death’ on his lips…”I’m sick, I have a headache, I was up all night….”

God?  Will you fight in our stead?  You did before.  When I call you hear me.  I trust you still.  The battle is yours.  We will stand on this battlefield and watch you move.  If we yell, will the walls fall down?  If we sing, will they tumble?  Let me see you move God, let me hear you.

Psalm 143:8 “Let me HEAR of your unfailing love in the morning Lord for I am trusting you.”

Summer of 2011 we bought an “easy pool” for the boys.  This easy pool kept collapsing in the back yard.  It became a FIGHT to keep it up; and I do mean FIGHT.

The Bob I married would have fixed it.  He would have made it right.  The Bob I have now (fighting cancer again Bob) was too tired.  He’d look out the window and say “Kim, that pool doesn’t look right” then go back to the couch for a nap.

I was infuriated that cancer was taking Bob away from me again.  Don’t get me wrong – my faith tells me that Bob is healed.  Bob will not die, but live to declare the works of the Lord!  But the journey continues to sap the energy out of him…and me.  The pool collapsing over and over again was just a reminder to me that we were being beat up over and over again. 

I would watch him go for his nap and get so angry that I’d march out the back door, down the rickety splintered deck stairs (something else that my tired Bob hasn’t fixed) and drain that pool again to start over.  “I will not let this pool beat me!” was my mantra.

Bob helped when he could, my dad helped, Katie helped, both of my sons-in-law helped…but I felt like I was the only one committed to seeing this pool “not beat me”.
After 5 times of draining the pool…5 times of leveling the ground…5 times of refilling the pool…immeasurable amounts of sweat and tears

(yes, I cried)…we did it!  Persistence and perseverance paid off.

Can I persistently believe for healing?  Can our perseverance in this fight against cancer pay off?  Yes, God’s word is true.  We will not be beat.