In the newly present sentiment of “I’m going broke…I’m going under!”; dad has come up with a few brilliant ideas.

He is going to sell his car and buy a bike. Let that one sink in a minute. A seventy year old man riding his Schwinn through the snowy Colorado streets.

He’s going to cancel Mr. Lee’s Lawn Service to save the $20 a week for grass cutting. He will then sell his snow blower and buy a riding lawn mower to cut his own grass. Never mind the fact that his yard may not be large enough for a riding lawn mower to turn around in…and the steep hill in the back yard may pose a hazard. Then there’s the issue with shoveling snow…maybe he’ll pay someone to shovel.

Kim

Wrote this friday night:

Trying to change my perspective. Trying to TRUST God again. Grief has wrecked havoc with my life…and I DON’T want to allow this anymore. (problem being….I sort of have no control when it comes)

Grief has been like a relentless tidal wave. I just get my bearings, just get my footing, then ‘holy cow here it comes again!’. Before I know it I’m turned upside down, flopping around for a bit, not able to feel secure, not able to get my footing…tossed all over the place. I hate it. I feel completely helpless in every area, weak, lost, confused and unsure of every decision.

But I KNOW THAT those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
(I’m trying to trust him again, had a weird bout with “can I trust Him?” after mom died, related to that grief tidal wave thing. I need some strength though, so I’ll have to work very hard on trusting Him.)
I need God’s help. I need to trust Him. I need to be able to turn things over to Him again, and believe that He will take care of me. I lost that trust. I lost that secure feeling with Him. I need it back. Wow, this is hard.
Sort of feels arrogant not to trust God with my life. I mean, if I can’t trust Him who can I trust? I surely don’t want to walk through life feeling like everything is on my shoulders. I have to give myself back over completely to Him. I need to feel safe with Him again.

Sunday morning at church, one of the Pastors came to me and gave me a card and said, “The person who gave this to me told me they wanted it to be anonymous.”  Weird…that never happens.  The card said “Here is a little something for you….(a few personal things)…and Isaiah 40:31 This is the season that HE IS renewing your strength.”  It also contained a $100 bill.  🙂

 

We sold the house. The house that we purchased for Nikki and her family to live in. The deal was, we’d buy it and they’d make the payments. That worked for about 4 years. She and her husband separated in January and I think that may have been when it all fell apart for her. (I may be a bit generous with that assessment…it may have been long before January of 2012 when she fell apart…but let’s just pretend).

So this past July, 2 months after losing mom, we were given the “I’m moving out, can’t afford it” speech. We took possession August 1st. We took about 3 weeks to clean up the mess that was left. We threw away the furniture that was left, the clothes that were strewn all over the floor, and the half a dumpster full of trash that was just left there. We took the family pictures and dishes that were from mom and stored them. We painted, cleaned, repaired, installed new carpet…all to the tune of about $14,000.

We listed with a realtor, the realtor had a bit of a melt down during the contract negotiations with a potential buyer (yes, we needed THAT), the realtor threw the contract across the table at us and quit because we wouldn’t agree to every single item on the “buyer wants” list, we were left with a for sale by owner option or finding another realtor.

Regardless, it sold.

Does everything have to be this hard right now? Is it this hard because I’m living under a shadow? or is it just really this hard?

Maybe I’ll try to find the good in this. We are going to sell the house. We will get our invested money out of the house. It will be OFF of my plate very soon. Another chapter closed.

There are days that I wake up before the sun rises, lay in bed and pray. Today was one of those days. As I lay in the dark, I thanked God first. Thanked Him for loving me, for taking care of me, for sending His son for me.
Then I pray for people in my life. People that come to mind. Family of course, then others. Always a mixture of people in my life. Always someone who has somehow touched me. Sometimes people who I feel are out to hurt me or take advantage of me. helps to give that to God.

Today I pray for a person that used to work for us, and was in an automobile accident a few years ago while working for us. This person finally came back to work … worked with us all week. We offered him his job back in an effort to try and help him re-enter the workforce. I thought it went very well. He did a good job. He was anxious, nervous, scared to be there. He expressed to me that his life was very stressful, that “if you only knew how much stress I’m under….”
I took a deep breath, and held my tongue. Yes, I took the high road. I didn’t express to him the stress that I was under. Why would he care? He was there to let me know how hard HIS life is, He was there to express HIS need…only seeing the world through HIS plight.

God, don’t let me only see the world through MY eyes. Let me see things through your eyes. Help me to see things from behind You, like peeking out around You. You’ve got this. I’m just watching.

I spoke to someone today…someone from back home in St. Louis. This person asked me how things are going, I replied with just a few of the things that I feel are leading me down a path to nervous breakdown:
-I think my dad is getting Alzheimer’s, he’s been confused lately and it’s a bit scary
-We’ve gotten my niece into counseling
-I’m setting up an appointment to start seeing my own counselor to help cope
-There are a few issues at work that are unbelievably stressful…one involving a law suit
-Bob is still seeing the Bone Marrow Transplant doctor every week for the Graft vs. Host disease that he’s developed from his AUTO stem cell transplant (still sick every day)
-We are trying to sell a house that a renter TRASHED (Oh…that renter was a family member)
-I have been sick with a sore throat and head cold all day…trying not to get sick!

The response? “Well you’re a strong person, you’ll get through it.”

Why is it that I hate people telling me that I’m a strong person? Why don’t I get to have a break down, or run away from it all, or have someone rush to my side to help me, hold me, hug me, cry with me??
Nope. I get “you’re strong, you can do it.”

What if I’m not so strong? What if I can’t do it?

I’m trying to believe God. I’m trying to have faith that He will hold this together…or He will allow it to fall apart in a safe place. A place where He will pick up the pieces. Where He will hold me, He will be by my side. I’m trying very hard to feel Him near again…right now I just feel very alone.
God, please be with me. Please allow me to feel you near. I want to be in your presence, I want to feel your strength. I need you.

Colossians 1:16

16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.

17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

I’m trying to hold it all together..but maybe He’s got it. IF in HIM All things hold together, Why does it feel like it’s still falling apart?

I’m trying to work on this relationship with God that I thought I had. I’m not exactly mad at Him, just confused and maybe guarding myself a bit. I do keep getting glimpses of His strength, His peace, His comfort….but I’m not completely feeling that safe feeling with Him yet. I’m not sure what His will is for me. I keep feeling the world around me falling down, where is He? Is He holding it together? Is He holding me together?

There are a list of things happening, really just too much to write about yet. But I know I’m not imagining that my world is in chaos. It’s not just that mom is gone, and I’m not dealing well with her loss and seeing everything else through grief. Everything else really is a mess too. How much can one handle?

For now I’m going to have to work through this “trusting God” thing again. I’m going to have to trust that He will hold me together…even if my world is falling apart.

I’ve had a few people over the past month tell me to “get away…take a trip…do something for yourself”. I resisted it, being the control freak that I am, I thought maybe my being here every day watching dad, calling dad, making sure he’s eating, etc. was helping in keeping it together. (NOT true, I’m not helping keep it together, I’m just closer at watching it fall apart).

I also quite honestly just didn’t want to go away. I’m not in a vacationing, having fun sort of mood yet. (and how dare anyone else be having fun yet!!) So I resisted the get away…until I realized that I was sort of having these mini-breakdowns, and not really helping anyone around here so much anyway. I mean…is it really helping anyone to see me cry, yell, shut down or fall apart?

I don’t think so. I guess I’m coming to that realization, I really cannot help anyone else in the state that I’m in. So I’ll just work on helping myself first. As selfish as that originally sounded to me…maybe it’s necessary (as long as there is SOMEONE here who will pick up the pieces should they fall to the ground again…as they seem to every day). Team work. I have to rely on the others in the family who will step up and help.

And — If it takes a weekend away once in awhile just to let me know that the world won’t stop turning while I leave, so be it. Next time longer…and Paris?

I’ve had a birthday. We’ve endured mom’s birthday, dad’s birthday and what would have been mom and dad’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. Hard days all.

The pain is different now. Not as frequent, not as intense. Still here, just different. Like something you learn to live with. Like arthritis. Hurts worse on certain days, always sort of there, but most days you just try to ignore that nagging sensation of pain.

There are other things to contend with. Life. And some things that are just unfair. Dad is raising Haley now. Paula, Aimie, Katie and I try to help. It’s confusing for all of us. Probably mostly Haley. She wants a mom. Her mom chose freedom, her mom chose to run away from it all, her mom chose to leave her entire family at our most needy time ever, her mom chose selfishness, her mom basically left us all for… Drugs? That’s the only thing that helps me understand leaving all of us…and leaving her four kids. She left Haley, (the one she called the ‘most’ trouble) with her 70 year old grieving father. So the other women in the family have stepped in to help dad raise this troubled teen. Not fair. (I can hear mom so clearly say, as she always did, “Who told you life was fair?”) So while Nikki has lived on the street, engaged in deviant social and drug behavior, and God knows what else, we have been trying to hold things together within our family and for her oldest child. Life is not fair.

Did mom know it was this bad? We’d had conversations about it, about her…
I wonder if mom knows now?

So life is for the living. We’ve been going through the motions, living. This last week of August has been a hard one. Why? I keep wondering why? Why are some days/weeks, harder than others?
Don’t know. I just know that this journey we’re on, this journey through grief is not over. not over yet.

Late June, I wrote this. Still feels like I’m sinking….or going to beat a strangers child. 🙂

Today I had to go with Bob to see his nephrologist, then the BMT doctor, then to the hospital for his breathing treatment….because, oh yeah – we are still only three months out from his transplant and that means we are still up to our necks IN IT.
I hate that we had to talk to Dr M about mom, I hate that I have to explain why we are not happy about Bob’s progression…because I don’t care right now.
Bob is a complainer. Not that he doesn’t have things to complain about. He does. But it seems unfair that he’s better, he’s still here, he’s constantly complaining and unhappy and seems so generally hate life….and she’s gone. She didn’t complain (much), and lived every second. Enjoyed life every day.
Weird feelings. Probably normal. I’m sure it is…
And I’m sitting in this waiting room …. And there is a kid in here with her iPad so freaking loud … Sesame street …. So loud … And she keeps pushing the rewind and repeating the same line in this song that Elmo or Tellie is singing … “colors mix above my head, like orange made with yellow and red” over and over and over and over
I am going to kick something
Over and over and over

Maybe it stopped….nope. Colors still mixing.
I should stop now, because this anger is not looking pretty spewed all over this page.

I was off yesterday and went to mom and dad’s house for the day.  Helped dad pay the last of the medical bills (we think) and balanced his checkbook again for the 64th time.  He’s confused.  Mom took care of the checkbook, the bills, the house, the grocery shopping, the laundry, everything as far as I can tell.

Dad’s a little lost.  We all are.  As I sat on the porch swing that we bought her for mother’s day, (the porch swing that she never got to sit in or even see) and looked out over her backyard I thought about how different it would look if she were still here.  There would be flowers.  Lots of flowers.  But there aren’t.  There is basil and sage and a few tomato plants…she planted those the week before she died.  She kept saying, “I’m buying flowers after mother’s day weekend, I can’t wait to buy my flowers.”  But the only flowers are the peace lilies from the funeral.  Yuck.

Still trying to read this book called HEAVEN.  I guess it’s supposed to be helping me.  Sometimes it does.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  I’m not really sure what helps.  I am trying to pray.  Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

God is in control.  He will do what He will do…and we will live (or die) with that.  I just never doubted that He would heal her of this.  Now I doubt everything.  Will Bob die too?  I guess we’ll see.  That too is in His hands.  Why pray?  It feels like it doesn’t matter if I pray or not.  Nothing really matters.

I will continue to try to pray; because I think I’m supposed to.  I still love God and I know He still loves me.  It’s the faith thing I’m a little confused about.  I think I’m supposed to continue to trust God.  Even though I trusted Him for something really big, that I thought was His will, that I did not receive…I think I’m supposed to continue to trust.  Is this faith?  Trusting no matter what?  This is hard.  But I guess I’m going to have to trust Him to get me through it.  I have nowhere else to turn.  So maybe this is how I learn a new level of faith.